十种可以当武器使的性玩具

译者 spand

When we read last week about a robbery at ye olde Conroe sex shoppe, it occurred to us that these establishments get knocked over a lot. What is it about these places -- besides the obvious -- that's so inviting to criminals, anyway?

上个礼拜，在ye olde Conroe sex shoppe（你的老康罗性用品店）发生了一桩抢劫案，性用品店可是经常被抢啊。那么，除去那些我们都知道的理由，这些商店怎么老是被劫匪光顾呢？！

And then it occurred to us that, if the employees aren't armed with guns to protect themselves, they could at least have some of the store's more heavy-duty product line under the register, as some of these things sound outright dangerous. So here are a few items from Zone d'Erotica, the store that got knocked over, that we thought could also be useful outside the bedroom:

既然这样，如果商店的店员们没法配枪，至少他们可以在收银台下边藏几件耐用点的自家产品，毕竟这些宝贝儿中，有些还是挺唬人的。接下来，我将为你介绍几件从Zone d'Erotica（情色空间）带来的玩具，它们可能在卧室外也一样犀利，另外，Zone d'Erotica也曾被抢劫过= =。

​10. 16.5-inch Studded Paddle

Small enough to fit comfortably under the register, but big enough to pack a hell of a wallop. At first we were thinking of recommending the paddle with holes, which might actually sting more, but the studs on this bad boy are downright scary.

10. 16.5英寸长の镶钉情趣板

虽然小到完全可以放到收银台下边，但足以用来打出惊人的伤害！起初我们想在板子上设计一些小洞，这样打起来更疼，可其实板子上镶的这些小钉子看起来更直观更吓人。

​9. 24-inch Viper Tongue

We don't know what this is used for. And you know what? We don't want to find out. Neither will the dude who had planned on robbing you.

9. 24英寸长の蛇信子

我们完全不想知道它是用来干嘛的。你懂的，我们不想知道，同样那些劫匪们也不会想知道。

​8. Anal Douche

You'll of course want to keep this one loaded.

8. 灌肠器

你肯定会想让它里边长年灌着东西的。

​7. Borosilicate Glass Sleek Dildo Wand

This "features a ball handle for easy maneuvering" and a "smoothly rounded end for easy insertion." It will "not shatter, crack, or chip with normal use." The trick is to show the would-be robbers what happens when it's not used normally.

7. 硅胶制光泽版小弟弟

它拥有方便操控的球型把手以及光滑易插入的弧形末端。在正常使用中，它完全不会有破碎、皲裂或折断等危险。这些广告其实就是想告诉那些劫匪，当它们没有被正常使用时，将发生虾米人间惨剧。

​6. 16-inch Double-Dong With Bendable Spine

Say hello to my not-so-little friend....

6. 16英寸长の双头龙

来跟我们非小不点级的朋友打声招呼...

​5. Black Butterfly Clamp With Link Chain

This thing looks like it could do some damage. Make sure to swing it over your head a few times to get some good momentum.

5. 黑色蝶形带链乳夹

这玩意儿看起来能造成一些伤害。不过出击之前一定要记着在头顶挥几圈。

​4. Boy Butter Lubricant (9 oz. Squeeze Bottle)

Aim for the eyes.

4. 男用油性润滑剂（9盎司挤压式瓶装）

对着他的眼睛挤吧。

3. Doggin Bat

This must be a cousin of the Viper Tongue. Brutal.

3. 打狗棒

它肯定是蛇信它弟，都感觉怪怪的。

​2. Sexy & Psycho Love Doll

Okay, this really can't be used as a weapon. This is for sheer psychological torture. Seriously, if you're robbing some dude and then all of a sudden this thing is shoved in your face? Yeah. That's gonna throw a wrench in the plan.

2. 充气娃娃

好吧，它其实不能当武器使，但它能折磨对方幼小的心灵啊。说正经的！当你在抢一哥们儿的东西时，突然这东东猛的往你眼前一摆！哇！会high死你吧。

​1. Sims Anal Speculum

No comment.

1. 仿医用扩肛器

不解释。。。