失去双亲并不是世界末日

译者 brylianhh

Why Losing Someone you Love Does not Have to be the end of the World

失去双亲并不是世界末日

Saying goodbye to a parent is the most difficult experience I have ever gone through. You never really know how hard it will be until it happens.

爸爸离开我是我至今经历的最痛苦的经历。在它没有发生之前你从来不会知道这种痛到底有多深。

Your parents have been around all your life. Through thick and thin. Men come and go. As do friends. But Dad was always there for me.

不管风餐露宿还是锦衣玉食，你的父母一直陪在你身边。我的生活里有人走进，然后离开，朋友也是这样，但是爸爸却一直伴我左右。

My best friend John who lost his wife in her 40s told me two incredible things when I found out my Dad had liver cancer - say everything you have ever wanted to say, and that afterwards, your life will never be the same again. I did and he was right.

我最好的朋友约翰的妻子在他40多岁的时候离开了，在我发现我父亲患有肝癌的时候，他告诉我两件我从来没有想到过的事情：说你以前想说的话，你的生命将变得完全不一样。我按照他说的做了，事实证明他是对的。

He passed away just before Christmas 2009. It is still like yesterday. The flurry of activity to make his last few months comfortable and even joyous and then after - a crushing void. He was my rock, my protector. We were up until then a secure family of 4 - yet without the 4th leg we fell apart.

2009年的圣诞前夕我父亲去世了。但这一切还犹如昨天一样近在眼前。当时有种不知所措，想要让爸爸在他生命的最后几个月尽量舒服、甚至开心的度过，而内心却十分不知所措，接踵而来的就是从未有过的空虚。他是我的避风港，我的保护人，到如今我们一家人组成了一个坚固的四人家庭，但是现在少了爸爸这个支撑，我们土崩瓦解。

Everything happens for a reason. 6 months after my father died we found out that my husband's mum was in terminal phase of cancer. It was a like reliving a nightmare but at the same time I knew I would be able to help them through my recent bereavement. It was also another sign of our common destiny.

祸不单行，我父亲去世的6个月后，我们发现我丈夫的母亲也是癌症晚期。这种感觉像噩梦再次降临，但同时我知道我应该帮助他们度过我刚经历的丧父之痛。这种经历也是我们普通生命中的一个转折。

Cancer is such a mysterious disease - you never know why, how long and ultimately when. My beau's mum is the most darling gentlest woman so to hear of her extreme sickness was very tough for all of us. No more medicine or chemo. Just the slow sad decline. Marie Curie helpers pop in to make things comfortable, everyone stands around trying to keep a brave face yet underneath it all you know then inevitable is hurtling towards you faster than you thought possible.

癌症真的是一个很神秘的疾病——你从来不知道为什么会得，也不知道得了多久，更不知道自己还有多少时间。我丈夫的母亲是一位极其亲爱的、优雅的女士，因此听到她病入膏肓的时候我们都很心痛。她没有吃药也没有化疗，只是想让悲伤和痛苦都随着她的离去渐渐淡去。居里夫人的助理工人的突然来访让一切都变得有了些许活力，每个人看上去很坚强，但是你知道，假装坚强背后是不可避免的来的比你想象的快得多的痛苦。

It is at these times that all my experiences in the spiritual lands of Australia are invaluable. I brought both my dad and my belle-mere healing crystals to cool a hot chemo ridden brow, angel cards to bring hope for the after life and a journey processer to liberate from the past.

也就是这些时候，我觉得在澳大利亚这片圣土上的生活如此千金难换。 我把爸爸和妹妹带到这里，让水晶的清凉给化疗的痛苦做个降温，占卜的天使卡为今后的生活带来了希望，让人生的旅途得以延续，也将我们从痛苦的过去中解放出来。

The moments around a dying family member are like precious jewels. For my Dad we rallied around him day and night for four weeks in the London Clinic. It was the festive run up to Xmas and I was determined to keep his morale up. I brought a mini Xmas tree into the hospital, hung decorations on his IV drip and a found a sweet smelling gardenia that reminded him of his Greek homeland. I brought in old family photos,chirped on about our happy childhood and asked him to tell us his favourite jokes, his legacy.

当有一名家庭成员将要离开的时候，弥留的时间显得弥足珍贵。在伦敦诊所的四个星期里，我们都日夜围在爸爸身边，那时快到圣诞节了，到处都洋溢着节日的气氛，我也决定要给爸爸打气让他撑下去。我把一棵迷你的圣诞树带到医院，把小装饰挂到他的静脉注射管上，然后插了一支香香的栀子花，让爸爸有种希腊老家的感觉。我把家里的老照片也带来了，叽叽喳喳的跟他一起回忆我们小时候我们的快乐时光，撒娇着让他再给我们讲讲他最喜欢的笑话。这都是他留给我们的宝贵遗产。

We lived on tea and biscuits - every effort going into tending to his needs, feeding him soft boiled eggs like a baby, arranging his pillows just right and reading to him from the Telegraph. Dad as ever the Greek pater familias worried more about us than him - Were we sacrificing work meetings? Were we eating three regular meals?

我们平时就吃点饼干喝点茶，所做的每件事都是为了爸爸，像喂婴儿一样喂给他吃嫩嫩的水煮蛋，给他调一下他枕头的位子方便他打字。爸爸像希腊所有的父亲一样，担心孩子们胜过自己：孩子们是不是为了照顾他工作上耽误了很多？孩子们是不是一日三餐都准时吃了？

My sister, pregnant with baby Oscar, brought him much cheer with flutters of the baby beneath the bump and 4D scans of the micro bub. Even with her heavy bump she cooked all his favourite suppers and brought them in every day in vain hope that he would eat something. She arrived like a Beatrix Potter character laden with wicker baskets. I never seen so much love in a vegetable broth.

碰巧我妹妹怀孕了，给孩子取了个名字叫奥斯卡，那个4D扫描看到的跳动的微小的小家伙总能让爸爸很振奋，尽管她挺着大肚子，每天还是会做一些美味的饭菜给爸爸带来，虽然这样有些白费力气，但是她还是每天都怀着愿望，希望爸爸能吃一点。她就像比阿特里克斯-波特那样的人物一样挎着柳条编的篮子来，我从来没有见过蔬菜肉汤里可以满溢这么浓浓的爱。

The weekend before he died his long lost cousin George flew out. The years fell away and there sat my father as a young Greek man, gesticulating and cracking jokes with shining Mediterranean eyes.

爸爸去世之前的一个礼拜，他失散多年的表弟乔治突然出现。那一瞬间仿佛时间的印记都消失不见了，爸爸坐在那里，就像一个年轻的希腊小伙，一边讲笑话，还一边用手比划着，地中海蓝色般的眼睛里光彩熠熠。

I remember clearly my mother and I sleeping in my dad's room the night before he died. He had been restless and was so happy we were all staying by his side. Mummy and I both slept in the same single bed which was no mean feat. My dad must have fully relaxed as the next day, the first day of the winter snow, he left us. It was a struggle at the end but it was peaceful.

我还很清楚的记得他去世之前的那天晚上，我跟妈妈睡在他的房间里。之前他很焦躁不安，虽然妈妈和我一起睡在一张单人床上并不舒服，但是我们一直陪在爸爸身边让他很开心。第二天爸爸走的时候一定很轻松，就是那天，那个冬天下了第一场雪，就在这个飘雪的日子他离开了我们。弥留之际对于我们来说都很挣扎，但是最后爸爸还是安详地离开了。

We felt the end was very near and a nurse came in to say that the fight could go on for several days. In one of those solemn moments of life humour helped bring levity. I said to my mum - have we peaked too soon? She dissolved into hysterical giggles. We had another similar moment at the cremation. We drew up in the herse at the crematorium and there was a men's loo at the entrance - my dad always liked to know where the gentleman's toilets were so this was all so perfectly fitting. Even though away from us his spirit was still with us.

当我们感觉到分离的时刻就要来了的时候，护士进来跟我们说，这种痛苦的挣扎可能会持续几天。在生命如此沉重的时刻，幽默能带来一丝轻松。我跟妈妈说我们是不是一夜就老掉了？她听到后自顾自歇斯底里的咯咯笑着，这种场景在葬礼上又发生了一次，我们假定火葬场入口处有一个男厕所，而我爸爸经常要知道男厕所在哪里的习惯也跟这个假定吻合。尽管离开了我们，他的灵魂还是与我们同在。

This for me is the key to getting through such time of sorrow. As the adage goes if you don't laugh you will cry. And there are alot of tears. But once the trauma of the illness has passed the memory of the person in his full glory remains. This is how one should remember them. 4 months after Dad died Oscar, my nephew was born and carries on the male Kesses lineage with his big Greek forehead and soulful eyes.

这种想法对于我来说就是带我度过这段痛苦时期的钥匙。就像古语说的：快乐也是一天，悲伤也是一天。但是每次想起还是会泪水盈盈，但是就算伤病的创伤愈合了，他的音容笑貌还是会留在我们心底，但这也是我们记住那些逝去的人的方法。爸爸去世之后的第四个月，我的侄子奥斯卡出生了，继承了凯瑟斯族男性的宽大前额和炯炯有神的眼睛。

My dad also left me a huge legacy - his Greek DNA. After leaving Athens at the age of 5 I never spent much time there. His departure gave birth to a longing, craving for all things Greek. I listen to Manos Hadjidakis music now, play with his Komboloi when I feel preoccupied and sleep with his Orthodox icon by my bed. I also spend time on Greek soil with the Kesses family - retracing Dad's steps at the Kafeneion in Piraeus or buying a cheese pie - tiropita - that he used to buy me for breakfast.

我爸爸也留给我了一笔巨大的遗产，就是他的希腊族的DNA。5岁时离开希腊之后我就没回去过。他的离开让我有一种强烈的愿望想要所有东西都是希腊的，现在我开始听曼诺斯-哈达吉达克斯的音乐，心事重重的时候就把玩爸爸的佛珠，看着我床头爸爸收藏正统的圣像入睡。我也跟凯瑟斯一家一起花时间在希腊的土壤上，追寻爸爸在比雷诶福斯的Kafeneion农场的足迹，或者买一块奶酪饼，以前爸爸一直买这个给我当早饭。

My beau and I recently got married. It was a day of love and life and our absent parents shone on us like the dappled sunlight through the trees. I danced the Greek sirtaki for my dad and nibbled on Greek mezze with my French champagne.

我未婚夫跟我最近结婚了。这是有生命意义又温馨浪漫的一天，离开我们的父母就像透过树木间隙洒落的斑驳阳光一样照耀着我们，虽然微弱但也是光芒，我为爸爸跳了一曲西尔塔基舞，然后配着发过香槟吃了一小口希腊小吃。

The hardest bit was walking down the aisle without him. I was married before and I will never forget his gentle but steadying arm. Yet I was able to do the walk alone knowing that he was by my side. As he always will be.

最难过的就是他没能挽着我的手臂把我送到新郎身边。之前我结过婚，我也永远不会忘记他那优雅而有力的手臂。而现在我要一个人走向新郎，最然我知道他一直在我身边，而且永远都在。