美国晚间脱口秀笑话集锦（2011.8.4）

原作者：
来源Late-Night Political Jokes (201184)
译者iDo98

Aug. 4, 2011
2011年8月4日

"Happy birthday to President Obama, who turned 50 years old. Whether you like him or not, it's a tremendous success story. This guy was born in a hut in Kenya and grew up to be president of the United States." –David Letterman
“祝刚刚迈入50岁的奥巴马总统生日快乐。不管你喜不喜欢他，他的人生经历确实非常了不起，这家伙出生在肯尼亚的茅舍里，而长大后成为美国总统。” - 大卫·莱特曼

"Obama got some lovely presents. China gave him an extension on his rent." –David Letterman
“奥巴马收到了一些非常慷慨美好的礼物，中国延长了他的租期（译注：这是比喻说法，即中国继续持有并购买美国国债）。” - 大卫·莱特曼

"The stock market had its biggest one-day drop since 2008. Remember how the experts said we had to raise the debt ceiling or the market would crash? Well, they were half right." –Jimmy Kimmel
“今天美国股市出现了自2008年以来的最大单日跌幅。还记得专家们说‘我们必须提高债务上限，否则股市将会崩溃’这句话吗？好吧，他们说对了一半（译注：即只说对了前半句）。” - 吉米·金默尔

"It's President Obama's birthday. I can't believe it's been 50 years since his mother forged his birth certificate." –Jimmy Kimmel
“今天是奥巴马总统的生日，我简直不敢相信，自从他母亲伪造他的出生证明以来，时间已过了50年。” - 吉米·金默尔

"Happy birthday to President Obama. It's hard to believe that just a year ago, Obama was in his 40s and his approval rating was in the 50s. Now it's the other way around." –Jay Leno
“祝奥巴马总统生日快乐。真难以相信，就在一年前，奥巴马还是40多岁，他的支持率在百分之50多，现在这两个数字却倒过来了。” - 杰·雷诺

"There was a big 50th birthday party for President Obama in Chicago. It was kind of ironic at the party; the richest 1% of the guests took 42% of the cake. That was kind of interesting." –Jay Leno
“奥巴马在芝加哥举行了一场盛大的生日派对。颇有些讽刺意味的是，参加生日派对的宾客中最富有的1％分掉了生日蛋糕的42％，这似乎有点耐人寻味。” - 杰·雷诺

"Because it's the big 5-0, the White House released his vital numbers: they say his cholesterol is 209, blood pressure's 105 over 62, but the number that is really going to kill him? Unemployment at 9.4%. That's the bad one." –Jay Leno
“因为今天是奥巴马总统的50大寿，白宫于是公布了有关他的一些重要数据：他们说奥巴马总统的胆固醇是209、血压是105/62，但真正令他痛苦不堪的是哪个数据呢？美国高达9.4％的失业率，这个最糟糕。” - 杰·雷诺

"Several Fox News hosts criticized 'Spongebob Squarepants' for pushing a global warming agenda. Then things got really ugly when they demanded to see 'Dora the Explorer's' immigration papers." –Conan O'Brien
“福克斯新闻台的一些节目主持人指责‘海绵宝宝’（Spongebob Squarepants，又译为穿方形裤子的海绵鲍勃）推动全球变暖议程，当他们要求查看‘小冒险家朵拉’（'Dora the Explorer's）的移民入境文件时，情势变得非常糟糕了。” - 科南·奥布莱恩

"Obama told his supporters that we've got Al Qaeda on the run. Apparently, Al Qaeda was in the stock market too." –Jay Leno
“奥巴马告诉他的支持者‘我们已经使得基地组织四下逃窜’，显然，看来股市里也有基地组织。” - 杰·雷诺

"The whole 4th season of 'Jersey Shore' takes place in Italy. I had no idea the Pope even had a hot tub." –Conan O'Brien
“整个《泽西海滩》（Jersey Shore）第四季将在意大利拍摄，我以前真不知道教皇恰好也有热水浴缸。” - 科南·奥布莱恩

"It is complete inappropriate for the president to turn a year older when the nation is in crisis." –Stephen Colbert
“在美国正面临危机之际，总统却长了一岁，这是完全不合时宜的。” - 斯蒂芬·科尔伯特

David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways Barack Obama Celebrated His Birthday"
大卫·莱特曼的“奥巴马庆祝生日的十大方法”

10. Updated his resume
10. 更新自己的简历（译注：为连任竞选失败后再找份工作做好准备）

9. Treated himself to piece of first lady's carob-flavored kelp loaf birthday cake
9. 犒劳自己一块第一夫人的角豆味海带长方形生日蛋糕

8. Asked for an iPad, let Republicans negotiate him down to a wad of gum
8. 要求得到一部iPad作为生日礼物，结果在与共和党谈判之后，他要求的生日礼物被缩减为一小块口香糖

7. Pizza and video games at Washington kids' restaurant 'Chuck E. Schumer's'
7. 在华盛顿的儿童餐厅“查克-舒默餐厅”（Chuck E. Schumer's）吃披萨、玩视频游戏

6. Asked for any cash gifts to be in Canadian dollars
6. 要求所有生日礼金必须是加元

5. Sent 82nd Airborne on In-N-Out Burger run
5. 派遣第82空降师飞赴In-N-Out Burger快餐连锁店

4. Invited fun costumed characters
4. 邀请着装有趣的人物参加生日派对

3. 'Shark Week' and two pints of Chubby Hubby
3. 一边观看探索频道每年历时一周的“鲨鱼周”（Shark Week）特别节目，一边吃两品脱“圆滚滚的老公”（Chubby Hubby，较正式译名为恰比-哈比）牌冰激凌

2. Got a fabulous makeover from Michele O'Bachmann's husband
2. 让茶党女王米歇尔·巴克曼（Michele O'Bachmann）的老公帮他做个绝妙惊人的新造型

1. Forged a Kenyan birth certificate to get him out of this miserable job
1. 伪造一张肯尼亚出生证明书，以摆脱他目前这份悲惨痛苦可怜糟糕令人难过的工作

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