译者 seez_franco
Facebook Relationship Problems: How Social Networking And Jealousy Affect Your Love Life
Facebook惹争议，两性关系闹危机
《赫芬顿邮报》 2011年10月20日讯
作者 Katherine Bindley
译者 seez_franco
Lots of us use Facebook as a convenient way of receiving information about the people in our lives we don't call every day -- and people we don't know that well whose lives we enjoy watching from afar. Your college friend got engaged, yay! Your favorite cousin is moving across the country, boo. A girl you met once at a party who's baring her midriff in her profile picture wrote on your fiancee's wall -- hold on, where'd she come from?
我们中绝大部分人将Facebook当作获取信息的捷径。多亏了它，那些我们不会每天与之通话的人，以及那些我们并不熟识却乐于从一个旁观者的角度对其生活加以关注的人，便不再会轻易地淡出我们的视线。你大学同学订婚啦，耶！你最亲的表妹出国了，唉。你在派对上遇到的女孩带着她那裸着上腹的头像跑到你未婚妻的留言墙上乱涂一气——等等，她到底是从哪儿冒出来的？
Enter the green-eyed (or in this case, blue and white logo'ed) monster known as Facebook jealousy. Messaging someone you hooked up with before you met your current love interest, analyzing a wall post on your significant other's page, stewing over a suspicious picture but not actually asking about it -- all of these have been known to tank relationships.
欢迎光临被我们称为“红眼怪兽（善妒狂）”（在这里应该是蓝白怪兽）的Facebook吃醋世界！给你在结识现任之前勾搭上的某人发发短信啦，对着你恋人主页上的某条留言大眼瞪小眼啦，因为一张可疑的照片而耿耿于怀却又死活不肯开口质询啦……如此种种，正如我们所知，都是荼毒恋爱关系的罪魁祸首。
If you're prone to thinking, "It's just Facebook -- can it really cause that many problems in an adult relationship?" consider this: A 2009 study suggested Facebook makes "unique contributions to the experience of jealousy in romantic relationships." Divorce attorneys say Facebook flirtations are frequently cited in their cases. And this poor guy had an asthma attack supposedly prompted by seeing how many men his ex-girlfriend had friended since their breakup. There's even a Facebook page called "I wonder how many relationships Facebook ruins every year" with over 100,000 "Likes."
如果你是这样想的，“不就是区区一个Facebook吗？还真能给成人恋爱关系带来这么多麻烦？”那么你不妨看看这个：一项于2009年进行的调查显示，Facebook为恋爱关系中嫉妒现象的产生“作出了突出贡献”。受理离婚纠纷的律师表示，他们手头的案子里满是利用Facebook调情这样的记录。另外还有一个倒霉催的家伙，他前女友在跟他劈腿后竟然在Facebook上跟一连串男人成为了好友，这家伙后来哮喘发作，十有八九是拜其女友所赐。Facebook上甚至还有一个名叫“Facebook一年不知要毁掉多少段恋情”的主页， 标注“喜欢”该主页的用户竟达10万人之多。
"It's a very common topic," said Jennine Estes, a couples' therapist from San Diego who reported that she sometimes hears about Facebook issues on a daily basis in her office. Couples come into conflict over everything from one party reconnecting with an ex to one not mentioning the relationship on Facebook at all.
珍妮•埃斯特斯（Jennine Estes）来自圣地亚哥，是一对夫妇的私人治疗师。在她看来，“这是个司空见惯的话题。”她称自己每天都能在办公室里听到有关Facebook的事情。不论是一方与其前男/女友（在Facebook上）藕断丝连还是干脆隐瞒Facebook上的好友关系，几乎任何(与Facebook相关的)事都能成为恋爱双方争执的导火索。
And these problems aren't limited to relationships with pre-existing problems. Facebook presents so many challenges to committed relationships that Jason and Kelli Krafsky wrote a book called, "Facebook and Your Marriage."
这些情况并不仅仅局限于那些早有裂痕的两性关系中。Facebook 给忠贞的恋人们带来了诸多挑战，克拉夫斯基夫妇（贾森•克拉夫斯基和凯利•克拉夫斯基Jason and Kelli Krafsky）还就此撰写了一本名为《Facebook和你的婚姻》的书。
To be clear, Facebook itself isn't to blame for the demise of domestic bliss. Instead, it's an avenue by which threats can develop if you fail to communicate about them, and one that can exacerbate problems that already exist.
不过，需要澄清的是，Facebook本身不该因家庭幸福感的沦丧而受到指责。事实上，它更像是一种催化剂，如果你无法通过交流化解某些威胁的话，这些威胁便会通过Facebook这一催化剂而得以加剧，同样的，那些既有的矛盾也会在它的催化之下变得更加一发而不可收拾。
According to Estes and the Krafskys, here are the scenarios that cause the most relationship strife, and how to address them:
根据埃斯特斯和克拉夫斯基夫妇的观察研究，以下几种情况可能导致大多数恋爱关系崩盘，你必须学会如何应对：
Over- (or Under-)sharing
过渡分享或分享不足
Before addressing what you may hide from your partner on Facebook -- and the jealousy that behavior may provoke -- it's a good idea to first talk about what you're both comfortable sharing. Just because one of you likes to do the internet equivalent of shouting from the rooftops how in love you are doesn't mean the other one should have to suffer through it. On the other hand, if one of you never references the relationship on your page, the other may begin to wonder why.
我敢说你的Facebook上肯定有不为你父母所知的秘密，而这些东西也很可能触发某些人的嫉妒心，因此，在处理这些问题之前，你不妨先跟你的另一半摊牌，说清楚哪些东西是你俩不介意共享的。即使你俩之中的一个喜欢在网上大秀恩爱并不代表另一位必须忍受这种尴尬。反之，如果恋爱双方中有一方从不在另一方的主页上示爱，那另一方势必会疑虑重重。
"Have a face-to-face conversation about Facebook," says Jason. "You want to have open communication about how much about 'us' is going to be spilled." The same goes for changing your status or friending your significant other's family members: It's best to talk about it first.
“关于各自的Facebook，（恋爱双方）有必要展开面对面交流，”贾森说道，“你必须就哪些可以明说而哪些不能这一话题跟你的另一半展开诚实的对话。”在改写个人信息（译者注：这里特指婚恋状况，如已婚、未婚、热恋中、单身等）或加你恋人的亲友为好友时，你同样需要这样做：先跟你的另一半通个气。
Tagged Photos Of You With Your Ex
加注有你和你前男/女友标签的合照
You're not alone (or irrational) if you get a little nauseous every time you see evidence of your significant other's weekend in Cabo with his ex. In the same vain, you shouldn't be surprised if your boyfriend isn't interested in having a reminder of the guy you dated right before him.
如果你的另一半三番五次跟前女友在卡波圣卢卡斯共度周末，而这又恰恰被你逮到证据，你自然免不了犯恶心。放心，大家都一样。（你若不犯恶心那就不正常了。）同样的，如果你的男友不愿提起你当着他的面约会的那个家伙，你也不必感到惊讶。
"It is hard to see those," says Estes. "For your partner to see you cuddling on the beach on a date? That's going to sting for any human. ... Other people might have a tougher skin, but I say [err on the side] of caution. Do some preventative work. Better to be safe than sorry."
“这种事谁都受不了，” 埃斯特斯说道，“看着你在海滩上跟别人约会，还又搂又抱，你的另一半能受得了么？遇上这种事就好比挨了一针，谁都会隐隐作痛。或许有些人皮厚，不怕扎，但我要说，凡事还是小心为妙。打好预防针，安全稳当总比事后后悔来得好。”
Having a hard time untagging yourself in those photos? Estes suggests asking yourself why that is.
怎么？狠不下心把自己的标签从跟你前男/女友的合照中删除吗？埃斯特斯建议你扪心自问，为何不忍心呢？
"Do you need to have it up? That's the big question: What's the purpose of it?"
“在这些照片里标出自己有什么用呢？问题就在这里：你到底是为了什么？”
Jason and Kelli likened the tagging issue to going home to your parent's house and them still having pictures on the wall of you and your old boyfriend.
按照贾森和凯利的说法，加注标签这种事就好比你回到父母家中，却发现他们家墙上仍挂着你跟你前男友的合照。
"There's a creep factor," says Kelly. "It's almost like time has stood still and your life hasn't gone on."
“这种事不免令人背后发凉，”凯利说道，“这就好像时间静止了，你的生活也随之止步不前。”
When deciding what to untag (or not), the best approach is for both partners to agree to untag themselves from photos that make the other uncomfortable.
当考虑哪些照片需要删除标签时，最好的方法是先挑选出令双方都感到尴尬的照片，如果双方都觉得有删除这些照片中的标签的必要，那就果断删除。
You Just Got A Friend Request From An Ex
你收到了你前男/女友的好友请求
Jason and Kelli's suggestion? Deny, deny, deny.
想知道贾森和凯利的建议吗？拒绝，拒绝，还是拒绝。
"We've heard horror story after horror story," says Kelli. "The moment you open the door, you could be two to three clicks away from making a really poor decision. You could be in a vulnerable state. You could have had a couple glasses of wine. It could open temptation to revisit the past."
“在听完一个鬼故事之后我们总忍不住再去听下一个，”凯利说道，“当你（向那些请求者）敞开大门的那一刻，你也许就离做出一个愚蠢的决定不远了。你可能处在一个易受干扰的状态，做出一些冲动是事。它会引诱你重蹈覆辙。”
But what if you're 100 percent not tempted by an ex? Is there any harm in accepting the request? Yes, said Jason, because you don't know what the person on the other end of that friend request is thinking. They might have been pining for you all of these years, waiting for the day you reconnect.
不过，倘若你能百分百抵御前任的诱惑呢？接受他的好友请求会有危害吗？答案是肯定的，贾森说道，因为你不知道对方发出好友请求的真正动机是什么。或许他们这几年来一直在期盼着你的“临幸”，等待着你回心转意的那一天。
Estes suggested addressing these requests on a case-by-case basis: It's how you handle it that matters to your current relationship.
埃斯特斯建议你将这些好友请求分开处理，一一应对：你处理这件事的方式与你目前的所处的恋爱关系密切相关。
"Make your partner part of the decision," she says. "The more included they feel, the safer it is."
“让你的现任伴侣参与到决定中来，”她建议道，“你越多考虑到他们（向你发来好友申请的你的前男/女友）的动机，你所做的决定就越安全。”
Someone You're Already Friends With Gets Friendlier
那些已经是你好友的人试图与你进一步发展
In some cases, existing friends you have a past with are harmless and can remain that way -- though Kelli suggests hiding them on Facebook to avoid trips down memory lane.
在某些情况下，过去跟你交往过而现在仍保持朋友关系的人是无害的，且这种关系可以继续保持。不过，凯利还是建议你把这些关系局限在Facebook之上，以免你在现实中二次陷落。
Then, there are the people the experts refer to as "red flag" friends. These could be people you've never dated who've started to show an interest or actual exes.
此外，还有这样一类人，专家们称之为“敏感”好友。他们可能是你从未与之交往过却对你怀有好感的人，也可能是你货真价实的前男/女友。
"Facebook allows people to be bolder. They utilize it as a way to say, 'Hey I'm interested,'" says Kelli.
“Facebook让人们变得更大胆。有了它，‘喂，我对你有好感’这种话便不再难说出口。”凯利说道。
These problem friends can be exes, though they don't have to be, and they're a common enough issue that Estes mentions them on her website:
这些“问题朋友”可能是你的前任男/女友，但这也不一定。其实这类朋友的存在是件再平凡不过的事，埃斯特斯在她的网站上这样说道：
"Sometimes people may cross a line by posting inappropriate messages or flirty comments. If this person is a red-flag for either you or your partner, it may be time to delete them from your friends list or you may need to confront the issue straight on."
“有时候人们因发表了一些不当的信息或暧昧的评论而越界。如果这个人对你或你的另一半而言是个‘敏感’人物，那么或许是时候把他从你的好友名单中除名了，如若不然你就得直面这件事。”
Either way, the couple needs to agree about these friends. It's a fact that there's an unspoken awkwardness to defriending -- won't it show your ex that he or she still has a hold on you? -- but in some cases, it's necessary. And it's probably time to stop caring about what your ex thinks, anyway.
不论怎样，恋爱双方必对这些好友达成一致认同。事实上，解除好友关系这种事还暗藏着某种你不愿说出口的尴尬——这是否表明你依然受到你前男/女友的钳制呢？不过，即便如此，“当断则断”还是很有必要的。总而言之，如果你还在纠结你的前任是怎么想的，那么，是时候做个了断了。
You See Something Worrisome On Your Significant Other's Page
你另一半主页上的某些内容令你担心
When couples sees a post on their partner's page that makes them uncomfortable, they shouldn't just let it go. Not asking can lead to mistrust and assuming the worst based on two random sentences whose context you don't know.
如果恋爱中的一方在对方的主页上看到一些令人不快的东西，那么他/她决不能就这么算了。不闻不问会引发信任危机。当你在不明前因后果的情况下随便挑两个句子说事儿，你总是会往最坏处想。
"Our minds automatically try to guess what the full story is. Most of the time, [they] go to worst-case scenario and try to predict something that’s not necessarily the case," says Estes.
“我们总是自然而然地去臆测到底发生了什么。大多数情况下，我们总爱往最坏处想，这些猜想不见得就是事实。”埃斯特斯说道。
By not asking about the posts, "They're attempting to protect the relationship, or they don't want to risk being seen as stupid or crazy, but then the problem never gets resolved. They don't get the reassurance that they're needing."
通过忽略这些敏感帖子，“他们试图维护他们的恋爱关系，或者避免让自己看起来像个蠢蛋或疯子。但这样做永远无法解决问题，因为他们无法像他们所希望的那样打消疑虑。”
If you follow all the above, you'll avoid the biggest pitfall of all:
如果以上种种你都能照办，那么你就能避开最大的陷阱：
Facebook Secrets
Facebook上的秘密
The problem isn't that secrets are no fun; it's that they make otherwise normal people lose trust in each other and morph into amateur private investigators.
问题不在于有秘密不好，而在于它使原本正常的人失去了相互间的信任，从而“改行”成为业余私家侦探。
"They'll do research, they'll run into interactions that have been going on," Estes warns.
“他们会去调查，并介入（他们的伴侣和所谓的‘第三者’）正在养成的相互关系中。“埃斯特斯警告说。
It's not cool for your partner to snoop, but if you're not up-front with him or her about your Facebook habits, they'll probably find that one person who hasn't checked their privacy settings since Facebook changed them for the billionth time, and see evidence of you being inappropriate.
“你的男/女友对你的私事探头探脑自然不好，但你若无法向他/她坦白你在Facebook上的一举一动，那他/她便很可能找到这样一个在Facebook第N次变更隐私设置后还未来得及核查个人信息的家伙，并从他那里搜罗到你言行不端的证据。
That all said, our experts agree that the golden rule of Facebooking while committed is that on FB, as in life, you shouldn't be doing anything that you wouldn't want your partner to see.
专家提醒，如果你已经有了另一半，那么你玩转Facebook的黄金法则便是：不论是在Facebook上还是在现实生活中，但凡那些你不想让对方知道的事，还是不做为妙。
"Facebook isn't usually the problem," says Estes. "It's the behaviors that are the problem."
“实际上，Facebook并非问题所在，”埃斯特斯说道，“人们的所作所为才是关键。”
