译者 seez_franco
6 Signs He's Just Not That Into You
6种迹象告诉你：他其实没那么喜欢你
《今日心理学》（Psychology Today） 2011年9月30日讯
作者 Jen Kim
译者 seez_franco
He's just not that into you."
I know you hate this phrase. I hate it more. Mostly, because it's true-- even when we are living in complete denial about it. Sorry, but if he's not calling you, it's not because all of his fingers were chopped off in a freak text messaging accident or he's lying in a coma somewhere. It's because he doesn't like you or doesn't like you enough to call you.
“他其实没那么喜欢你。”
我知道这话不中听。其实我对这话比你还要反感。这八成是因为它是句大实话，虽然我们总是死不承认。不过，他要是没给你打电话，对不起了，这可不是因为他的十个指头在一场稀奇古怪短信意外中“光荣挂彩”了，也不是因为他倒在某个犄角旮旯里不省人事了。事情的真相是他还不够爱你，他还没爱你爱到非给你打电话不可的地步。
You have to be aware that even though you may be enjoying an LSD-like love high, your new significant other may be feeling something entirely different.
你必须意识到，即使你在高潮时像磕药那样爽到爆，你那个上任不久、吹毛求疵的另一半心里所想的可能完全不是那么回事儿。
Oftentimes, I get asked about red flags in dating and relationships. From personal experience and those of so many ladies I know, I have compiled a few warning signals to watch out for and how to deal with them. As always, there are exceptions but I am never the exception, and probably, neither are you.
我常被问及在约会和保持恋爱关系的过程中有哪些注意事项。参照我的个人体验以及我所熟悉的部分女士的经历，我归纳总结出以下几条提示，以便各位谨慎处理上述问题。不过，俗话说“不怕一万就怕万一”，特例这玩意儿总是有的，可我从不当特例，相信你也一样。
1. He talks about his ex frequently. It's fine to bring up the ex once in a while under very neutral contexts, e.g., "My ex has the kids this week." But talking incessantly about prior relationships is tacky and might also imply that there are still some unresolved issues lingering in his head, whether it's rage, resentment or doubt. This rule applies to you too. Do not mention your previous love life and its contents, including: pet names, restraining orders or penis size.
1.他总是频繁谈到前女友。
偶尔在相对中立的语境下提起前女友倒是情有可原，比如，“我前妻这个礼拜带孩子。”不过，他要是总念叨着过去的恋情那就是不识趣了；当然，这也可能表示他还在为他跟前女友间一堆尚未解决的破事儿纠结不已，不论是愤怒、怨恨还是猜疑。这条守则对你一样适用。别老提起你的旧爱还有他说过的话，例如：宠物的名字、黑名单、鸡鸡的尺寸。
Relationship therapist Dr. Turndorf suggests, if he mentions the ex and it bothers you, speak up and say something: "The effective way of handling this is to ask him if he knows how he feels when he brings up the subject of his ex? Does he feel hurt? Does he feel angry?" If his problems persist, keep in mind that you don't have to.
恋爱关系治疗师吞道夫博士建议说，倘若他提起前女友且这让你不爽的话，你就该直截了当地跟他挑明。“对付这种事最有效的方法就是问他当谈到前女友时感觉怎样。是感到伤心呢？还是窝火？”如果他还是改不掉这个毛病，那你最好记着：你用不着一忍再忍，男人不是只有他一个。
In the beginning of a relationship, each party should ideally have a clean slate and be on their best behavior, instead of showcasing their baggage like a badge of honor.
在恋情初期，恋爱双方最好都能撇清过去、以诚相待，而不是像秀荣誉勋章那样到处炫耀自己的情感包袱。
2. He tells you he's not ready for a relationship. I can't believe how many times I've heard women dismiss this statement and continue pursuing unavailable men. These guys will flat out tell you that they don't want to commit to you, but here you are, baking them cookies, enjoying naked sleepovers and gushing to all your girlfriends about what a catch he is. Because, "once he sees how great you are, he will surely commit.
2．他告诉你他尚未准备好正式确定恋爱关系
这种话即使说上千遍万遍女人也不会把它当回事儿，她们仍旧铁了心对那些不值得付出的男人穷追不舍。这实在让我不敢相信。这些家伙们会直截了当地告诉你他们不想对你许什么承诺，即便如此，你还是死心塌地围着他打转，给他做爱心曲奇，与他共度春宵，在闺蜜面前把他夸得天花乱坠。因为你相信，“一旦他明白你的好，他自然会对你忠心不二。”
If this is you, please find someone to slap you back into reality. The truth is-- he doesn't want a relationship (it's the same as not being ready for one), even with someone as delightful and wonderful as you. And you shouldn't waste your time trying to convince him otherwise, because his mind is already set. Bake cookies for someone who cares about you--like that friend who slaps you into back into reality (and not the one who tells you that he'll come around, eventually.)
你要真是我说的这种人，那么请找个人把你pia回现实吧。现实就是，即便是像你这样讨喜又出众的姑娘，他也不打算确立关系（这跟“没有准备好”是一回事）。你大可不必苦口婆心地劝他回心转意，这是浪费时间，因为他心意已决。去给那些真正在乎你的人烘烤爱心饼干吧，比如那个把你pia回现实的朋友（而不是说什么“他迟早会回到你身边”这类无稽之谈的朋友）。
I've been in this situation before, waiting it out like an idiot. Needless to say, I have yet to see a ring on it.
我也曾有过这样的经历，像白痴一样傻傻等待，到头来还不是一场空。
3. He wants to get into a relationship immediately. Refusing to commit to you is not a good thing, but neither is moving into a relationship at lightning speed. Relax, you aren't Benjamin Button-- you don't have five minutes to fall in love and have babies. If your man tells you he loves you or wants to commit to you during or shortly after the first date, something is up. (Unless of course, you do too, and it's love at first sight for both of you.)
3.他想立刻与你确立关系。
拒绝对你做出承诺自然不是什么好事，但闪电式恋爱关系一样靠不住。要知道，你可不是本杰明•巴顿，不可能像他那样做出五分钟恋爱、产仔的奇事。如果你男友在你俩首次约会，或首次约会后不久就急匆匆向你告白对你许诺，那么请千万小心，他多半不怀好意。（当然，除非你也有相同的冲动，那么你俩便是传说中的“一拍即合、一见钟情”。）
I actually know a guy who asked a girl to be his girlfriend during the first date, then broke up with her two weeks later, because he realized that she was "boring." Well, duh. I'm surprised he even knew anything beyond her first name at that point. Relationships can only succeed when there is a foundation to base it upon, such as common interests and experiences. Just because you both order the Caesar salad, doesn't make you compatible.
事实上，我认识这么一个家伙，他在跟女孩子第一次约会时便请求人家做他女朋友，两周后却又跟人家分手了，因为他发现这个女孩子很“无趣”。本来就是嘛，我都怀疑他当初开口示爱的时候除了人家的名字之外还知道些什么。成功的恋爱关系少不了牢固的根基，比如共同的爱好和经历。仅仅是你俩都点了凯撒沙拉可不代表你们就是天生一对。
Similarly, relationship expert and author Lynn Harris advises against premature "I love yous": "The first time you feel like saying it, count to ten, go home and say it to your cat." You don't want to mistake love for a really romantic evening or a great night in bed.
（恋爱）关系专家及作家林恩•哈里斯同样反对过早说“我爱你”：“你要是头一次有说这种话的冲动，那就请默数到十，回到家对你的咪咪说去。”相信我，你绝不想把一个浪漫之夜或一场鱼水之欢错当成恋爱。
4. He still hasn't asked you out. This should be a given, but I can't tell you how many times I've heard people texting or g-chatting for months and months before any attempt at physical contact is made. If you're seeking mild flirtation or a virtual relationship, texting is fine-but if you want something more, then he needs to make a move in real life. If you're at a point where you don't want to wait anymore, stop waiting. You shouldn't have to force someone to ask you out.
4.他迟迟不肯约你出去。
这种情况不用说也知道他没想跟你玩真的，不过我也不止一次听说人们通常是在经过几个月的短信或网聊后才开始尝试面对面接触的。如果你想要的关系仅限于在“线上”搞搞暧昧，那么短信便足够了。但你若想要更进一步，那他就理应转战“线下”。如果你等得实在不耐烦了，那干脆别等了。你没必要低三下四地求别人约你出去。
5. He doesn't let you go near his phone. This is also a given, in my opinion. But I have firsthand witnessed relationships in which phones are private property, locked and guarded with military-like defense systems. If your partner has issues about letting you see his phone, then chances are, he's hiding something sketchy. The mere fact that he turns all Charlie Sheen on you the moment you go near it should be a big clue. I'm not saying that couples need to share passwords or answer each other's phones, but you shouldn't ever feel like he's keeping something important from you either. If you feel weird about something, tell him. Maybe he's got a great excuse, like he's in the CIA or running from the mob. It's way better than finding those naked pictures of his ex later on.
5.他不许你碰他的手机。
在我看来，这又是一种没诚意的表现。但我也亲眼见过一些处在恋爱关系中的人把手机当作私人财产，给手机上锁并像军事戒备那样对窥视者严加防范。如果你的男朋友很介意你查看他的手机，那他多半是对你隐瞒了某些上不了台面的事。要是你一凑近他的手机他就立刻摆出一副查理•西恩（《好汉两个半》男主角之一）状给你打哈哈，不用说，这里面肯定有鬼。我并不是主张恋人间要公开各自密码，随意接听对方的电话，但你也没必要疑神疑鬼，总觉得他有重要的事瞒着你。如果你感到有些事情不对劲，那就跟他直说。他也许能搬出一个冠冕堂皇的理由，比如他正在中情局或正忙着应付一群暴徒。这总比什么招呼都不打然后在他手机里搜出一堆他前女友的裸照好吧？
6. He doesn't give you butterflies. He may have a great career, a nice apartment with hardwood floors, a humanitarian heart and killer abs, but if he doesn't make your heart all warm and fuzzy, he's not it.
6.他没给你心动的感觉。
也许他事业有成、有房有车、宅心仁厚、身形健美，可他若不能给你小鹿乱撞的感觉，他就不是你的真命天子。
Chemistry isn't instant-- sometimes, it can be discovered gradually, like in these situations. But, after a certain point, you will know if that spark is missing. And if that's the case, be gentle and kind. After all, wouldn't you want to be let down just as easy if someone just wasn't that into you?
化学效应不是瞬间产生的，有时候它需要你慢慢去发现，就像上面所提到的那些情况一样。不过，过了某一个时间点，你便能确定你们之间爱的火花是不是已经熄灭了。果真是那样的话，你要做的也只是放宽心从容应对。毕竟，何必让一个其实没那么喜欢你的家伙这么轻易地伤了你的心呢？
