死亡与痛苦

原作者：
来源Death and Grief
译者花落人际

People React Emotionally and Physically

人们通常会做出情绪上以及身体上的反应

When coping with a death, you may go through all kinds of emotions. You may be sad, worried, or scared. You might be shocked, unprepared, or confused. You might be feeling angry, cheated, relieved, guilty, exhausted, or just plain empty. Your emotions might be stronger or deeper than usual or mixed together in ways you've never experienced before.

当你面对死亡（通常指你的家人或朋友）的时候，你可能会有各种情绪上的反应。你可能会觉得伤心，担心，或者感到忧虑；你可能非常震惊，觉得难以接受，或者很困惑；你可能会觉得生气，受骗，解脱，愧疚，疲倦，或仅仅只是空虚。这时你的情绪通常都会比平时更深刻、更强烈复杂，这种情绪在你平时都未曾经历过

Some people find they have trouble concentrating, studying, sleeping, or eating when they're coping with a death. Others lose interest in activities they used to enjoy. Some people lose themselves in playing computer games or eat or drink to excess. And some people feel numb, as if nothing has happened.

一些人发觉他们在面对死亡（家人或朋友）时，不能集中精力学习，睡觉，或者吃东西，其他人对过去喜欢的业余活动则失去了兴趣。一些人会沉迷于网络游戏的世界或者不停的吃东西，还有一些人变得麻木不仁，好像什么也没发生过。

All of these are normal ways to react to a death.

所以这些都是当面对死亡时所作出的一些正常的反应

What Is Grief?

什么是悲痛？

When we have emotional, physical, and spiritual reactions in response to a death or loss, it's known as grief or grieving. People who are grieving might:

当我们对死亡或者遗失做出某种情绪上、身体上以及精神上的反应时，这就是通常人们称之的悲痛或者痛苦。人们在痛苦时通常都会：

feel strong emotions, such as sadness and anger

情绪反应非常激烈，例如极度悲伤或者愤怒 

have physical reactions, such as not sleeping or even waves of nausea

会做出一些身体上的反应，例如不睡觉或者甚至会有强烈的呕吐感

have spiritual reactions to a death — for example, some people find themselves questioning their beliefs and feeling disappointed in their religion while others find that they feel more strongly than ever about their faith

在精神上也会有所反应---例如，一些人会质疑他们的信仰，对其信仰感到失望，然而也会有一些人比从前更加相信其信仰

The grieving process takes time and healing usually happens gradually. The intensity of grief may be related to how sudden or predictable the loss was and how you felt about the person who died.

这种悲痛是一个过程，并且需要花费一段时间才能治愈。其发生的突然性以及预见性可能和你的痛苦程度有关，你和死者的关系也是一个方面。

Some people write about grief happening in stages, but usually it feels more like "waves" or cycles of grief that come and go depending on what you are doing and if there are triggers for remembering the person who has died.

在不同的人生阶段，人们会书写出不同的痛苦。但通常它更像“波浪”或者是伤痛循环，不停地来来去去，这都取决于你所做的事情，以及是否有什么让你想起了和他（她）的曾经。

Different Ways of Grieving

痛苦的不同表现形式

If you've lost someone in your immediate family, such as a parent, brother, or sister, you may feel cheated out of time you wanted to have with that person. It can also feel hard to express your own grief when other family members are grieving, too.

如果你失去了某个非常亲密的家人（直系亲属），如父（母）亲，兄（弟），姐（妹），你可能会觉得时间欺骗了你。同样，如果你失去了某个其他家庭成员（非直系亲属），通常你也会觉得这非常令人难以接受。

Some people may hold back their own grief or avoid talking about the person who died because they worry that it may make a parent or other family member sad. It's also natural to feel some guilt over a past argument or a difficult relationship with the person who died.

一些人可能将其痛苦掩藏起来，或者避免谈论有关死者的任何事情，因为他们担心这可能会使父（母）亲或者其他家庭成员感到悲伤。谈论死者的事情或者以前的关系会有一些罪恶感，也是非常自然的事。

We don't always grieve over the death of another person. The death of a beloved pet can trigger strong feelings of grief. People may be surprised by how painful this loss can be. But the loving bonds we share with pets are real, and so are the feelings of loss and grief when they die.

我们通常都不会对某个人的死亡随便就觉得悲伤。如果你非常可爱的宠物死了，这会使你感到非常伤心。对于这种失去所带来的痛苦，人们也会通常感到非常惊讶。但是我们和宠物爱的关系却是非常真实的，当它们死去时的悲伤和失落感也是非常真实的。

All of these feelings and reactions are OK — but what can people do to get through them? How long does grief last? Will things ever get back to normal? And how will you go on without the person who has died?

所有这些感觉以及反应都是很正常的--但是人们应该怎么做才能从悲伤中走出来呢？这种痛苦会持续多久呢？所有的一切都会恢复原态吗？没有了那个你爱的人，你要怎么走下去呢？

ListenCoping With Grief

如果应对这种痛苦

Just as people feel grief in many different ways, they handle it differently, too.

正如人们会有不同的痛苦方式，也需要用不同的方式来解决。

Some people reach out for support from others and find comfort in good memories. Others become very busy to take their minds off the loss. Some people become depressed and withdraw from their peers or go out of the way to avoid the places or situations that remind them of the person who has died.

一些人会向他人寻求帮助以及总是沉浸在甜美的回忆之中。其他人总会疯狂工作来遗忘一切。一些人会变得非常沮丧，不和同伴们走在一起，或者在出去的时候会刻意避免去那些能让他们想起曾经的地方。

For some people, it can help to talk about the loss with others. Some do this naturally and easily with friends and family, while others talk to a professional therapist.

对有些人来说，和别人谈谈心会有助于自身的恢复。一些人能够很自然，容易的和家人谈论这些问题，也有一些人会选择向专家倾诉。

Some people may not feel like talking about it much at all because it's hard to find the words to express such deep and personal emotion or they wonder whether talking will make them feel the hurt more. This is fine, as long you find other ways to deal with your pain.

还有一些人不喜欢和别人谈论这类事情，因为有时候并不能找到合适的词语来谈论如此强烈和个人的情感，或者他们怀疑和别人谈论会使他们更受伤。这没关系，只要你能找到其他合适的方式来降低这种伤痛。

People sometimes deal with their sorrow by engaging in dangerous or self-destructive activities. Doing things like drinking, drugs, or cutting yourself to escape from the reality of a loss may seem to numb the pain, but the feeling is only temporary. This isn't really dealing with the pain, only masking it, which makes all those feelings build up inside and only prolongs the grief.

有时候，人们在应对这种伤痛的时候，通常会做出一些危险的或者自我伤害的行为。如酗酒，嗑药，或者将自己和外界世界隔绝起来，使自己麻木，但是这些都是暂时的。这不是在面对这种伤痛，而是逃避。这只会使这种伤痛被藏在心里，延续这种痛楚。

If your pain just seems to get worse, or if you feel like hurting yourself or have suicidal thoughts, tell someone you trust about how you feel.

如果 你感觉自己越来越糟糕，或者你想自我伤害或有自杀倾向，向某个你很信任的朋友告诉他你的感受。

What to Expect

你应该做的事

It may feel like it might be impossible to recover after losing someone you love. But grief does get gradually better and become less intense as time goes by. To help get through the pain, it can help to know some of the things you might expect during the grieving process.

在失去你爱的人的时候，你可能觉得不会从中恢复。但是这种伤痛确实会随着时间的推移逐渐减少，你会觉得好受些，不再像从前那么痛苦。做一些其它的事，能够使你不再那么痛苦。

The first few days after someone dies can be intense, with people expressing strong emotions, perhaps crying, comforting each other, and gathering to express their support and condolences to the ones most affected by the loss. It is common to feel as if you are "going crazy" and feel extremes of anxiety, panic, sadness, and helplessness. Some people describe feeling "unreal," as if they're looking at the world from a faraway place. Others feel moody, irritable, and resentful.

在死亡（家人或朋友）的前几天，人们通常都会有非常强烈的情绪反应，大哭一场，互相安慰对方，一起对其亲属表达同情和支持。如果你觉得自己有一些“疯狂”，感到极度焦虑、恐慌，伤心，以及无助，这都是很正常的心理，这是被一些人称作的“非常态心理，”好像他们在某个遥远的地方注视着这个世界。其他人则会非常恼怒、生气、以及沮丧。好像他们在某个遥远的地方注视着这个世界。其他人则会非常恼怒、生气、以及沮丧。

Family and friends often participate in rituals that may be part of their religious, cultural, community, or family traditions, such as memorial services, wakes, or funerals. These activities can help people get through the first days after a death and honor the person who died. People might spend time together talking and sharing memories about their loved one. This may continue for days or weeks following the loss as friends and family bring food, send cards, or stop by to visit.

一些家庭以及死者的朋友通常都会参加一些宗教、文化、社区、家庭传统方面的仪式，如纪念仪式、守灵、葬礼等。这些活动能够帮助人们度过死亡的前几天以及慰藉死者。人们也会花一些时间来分享有关死者曾经的记忆。随着一些朋友或家人来访，带着食物来看望，送一些卡片，这些通常都会持续几天或者一段时间。

Many times, people show their emotions during this time. But sometimes a person can be so shocked or overwhelmed by the death that he or she doesn't show any emotion right away — even though the loss is very hard. And it's not uncommon to see people smiling and talking with others at a funeral, as if something sad had not happened. But being among other mourners can be a comfort, reminding us that some things will stay the same.

很多时候，人们都会将这种情绪展露出来，但有时候因亲人死亡受到强烈打击或者觉得难以置信，他（她）一时不会将这种情绪表现出来——即使非常痛苦。在葬礼上，你不会看到人们说说笑笑，好像什么都没发生一般。但是去参加别人（指与你关系不大密切的死者）的葬礼不会那么痛苦，这会提醒着我们某天自己也会经历同样的事情。

Sometimes, when the rituals associated with grieving end, people might feel like they should be "over it" because everything seems to have gone back to normal. When those who are grieving first go back to their normal activities, it might be hard to put their hearts into everyday things. Many people go back to doing regular things after a few days or a week. But although they may not talk about their loss as much, the grieving process continues.

有时，当和葬礼有关的一系列仪式结束之后，人们可能会觉得“没什么事了”，因为一切都似乎回到了从前。当这些亲人回到他们的正常生活时，想要全身心投入一件事情可能会很困难。很多人在几天或一周后就可能返回到他们的正常生活中，即使他们不谈论这件事情，这种悲伤感仍然还会继续。

It's natural to continue to have feelings and questions for a while after someone dies. It's also natural to begin to feel somewhat better. A lot depends on how your loss affects your life. It's OK to feel grief for days, weeks, or even longer, depending on how close you were to the person who died.

在你的亲人死后的一段时间，有一些情绪和质疑，这些都很正常。觉得比原来更好，这也很自然，这在很大程度上都取决于死者和你的关系。在几天、几周、甚至更长的时间里都觉得痛苦不堪，这也很正常，这些都取决于你和死者的亲密程度。

No matter how you choose to grieve, there's no one right way to do it. The grieving process is a gradual one that lasts longer for some people than others. There may be times when you worry that you'll never enjoy life the same way again, but this is a natural reaction after a loss.

不论你多悲伤，都没有适当的解决方法来应对。对某些人来说，这种痛苦要比其他一些人持续的更长一些。会有一段时间，你会不停的担心你不能像从前那样享受生活，但这都是非常正常的反应。

Caring for Yourself

懂得照顾自己

The loss of someone close to you can be stressful. It can help you to cope if you take care of yourself in certain small but important ways. Here are some that might help:

你某个珍惜的人的失去，能让你觉得非常忧虑。下面是一些小方法，能够帮助你觉得好了很多：

Remember that grief is a normal emotion. Know that you can (and will) heal over time.

记住感觉到痛苦是非常正常的情绪，要相信在一段时候过后你可以（且一定会)恢复。

Participate in rituals. Memorial services, funerals, and other traditions help people get through the first few days and honor the person who died.

参加一些仪式。如纪念仪式，葬礼，和其它传统的活动能够帮助人们度过死亡的前几天以及慰问死者。

Be with others. Even informal gatherings of family and friends bring a sense of support and help people not to feel so isolated in the first days and weeks of their grief.

不要一个人。即使是一些普通的和家人及朋友的聚会也会帮助人们在悲伤的前几天或前几周度过难关以及让他们不再感到孤单。

Talk about it when you can. Some people find it helpful to tell the story of their loss or talk about their feelings. Sometimes a person doesn't feel like talking, and that's OK, too. No one should feel pressured to talk.

当你觉得可以谈论的时候，和他人谈谈。一些人认为和他人谈论或者将内心的感觉讲出来会有利很多，有时候你也可能不想和他人谈论这些事情，这没什么，没有人一定得说些什么。

Express yourself. Even if you don't feel like talking, find ways to express your emotions and thoughts. Start writing in a journal about the memories you have of the person you lost and how you're feeling since the loss. Or write a song, poem, or tribute about your loved one. You can do this privately or share it with others.

将你的心情表达出来。即便你不喜欢和别人谈话，用一些适当的方式来宣泄你的情感和想法。你可以在日志里写一些关于死者的记忆以及你心里的感受。或者去选择写诗，歌曲，或者写一些对于死者表达你的爱恋、尊敬的东西。你可以不让他人看到或者将它与他人分享。

Exercise. Exercise can help your mood. It may be hard to get motivated, so modify your usual routine if you need to.

出去锻炼。锻炼有助于你的形成良好的情绪，想要靠它完全调整过来有些困难，因此如果需要的话，调整你的日常作息时间。

Eat right. You may feel like skipping meals or you may not feel hungry, but your body still needs nutritious foods.

适当饮食。你可能会不想吃饭或者你可能感觉不到饥饿，但是你的身体仍然需要一些营养物质。

Join a support group. If you think you may be interested in attending a support group, ask an adult or school counselor about how to become involved. The thing to remember is that you don't have to be alone with your feelings or your pain.

加入一个援助小组，如果你想要加入一个援助小组的话，询问一个成年人或者学校咨询师如何才能加入。你只需要记住你不再是一个人孤独的舔着伤口。

Let your emotions be expressed and released. Don't stop yourself from having a good cry if you feel one coming on. Don't worry if listening to particular songs or doing other activities is painful because it brings back memories of the person that you lost; this is common. After a while, it becomes less painful.

把你的情绪表达出来，让它释放。如果别人看到你哭泣，不要觉得不好意思。不要担心听一些特别的歌或者做一些其他的活动会让你觉得很痛苦，因为它使你想起曾经的记忆；这很正常，在一段时间过后，这种痛苦会有所降低。

Create a memorial or tribute. Plant a tree or garden, or memorialize the person in some fitting way, such as running in a charity run or walk (a breast cancer race, for example) in honor of the lost loved one.

建一块墓碑。栽一棵树或者种些花，或者再找一些其它合适的方式来纪念死者，如做慈善那样的速度来跑一跑，或者疾行（如患乳腺癌那样的心跳速度）来纪念死者。

Getting Help for Intense Grief

过度痛苦，则需寻求帮助

If your grief isn't letting up for a while after the death of your loved one, you may want to reach out for help. If grief has turned into depression, it's very important to tell someone.

如果你的痛苦在你挚爱的人死后很长一段时间内都不能消除，这时你可能就需要去寻求帮助。如果这种痛苦已使你变得压抑，沮丧不堪，那么你就一定要告诉别人来减少这种痛苦了。

How do you know if your grief has been going on too long? Here are some signs:

你怎样才能知道这种痛苦已经持续了很长的一段时间呢？下面是一些迹象：

You've been grieving for 4 months or more and you aren't feeling any better.

你已经痛苦不堪了四个月或者更多时间，并且没有任何转好的迹象。

You feel depressed.

你觉得非常压抑。

Your grief is so intense that you feel you can't go on with your normal activities.

你的痛苦是如此强烈，以致于你不能继续你正常的生活。

Your grief is affecting your ability to concentrate, sleep, eat, or socialize as you normally do.

这种痛苦让你无法集中精力睡觉、吃饭、做你平时的一些正常活动。

You feel you can't go on living after the loss or you think about suicide, dying, or hurting yourself.

你觉得你不能够继续生活，在你尝试过如自杀、伤害自己之后。

It's natural for loss to cause people to think about death to some degree. But if a loss has caused you to think about suicide or hurting yourself in some way, or if you feel that you can't go on living, it's important that you tell someone right away.

在某种程度上来讲，失去会促使人们思考死亡这一类的事情，这很正常。但是如果失去让你想要自杀或者用一些方法来伤害自己，或者你觉得你不能够继续生活，你就需要将它及时向他人宣泄了。

Counseling with a professional therapist can help because it allows you to talk about your loss and express strong feelings. Many counselors specialize in working with teens who are struggling with loss and depression. If you'd like to talk to a therapist and you're not sure where to begin, ask an adult or school counselor. Your doctor may also be able to recommend someone.

向专业人士咨询会非常有帮助，因为这会促使你宣泄你的情绪，让你把心里的痛苦讲述出来。有很多咨询师都非常擅长处理一些青少年问题。如果你选择向医生咨询并且不知道从哪里开始，可以选择比你年长的成年人或者向学校的咨询师了解。

Will I Ever Get Over This?

我会战胜这种痛苦吗？

Well-meaning friends and family might tell a grieving person they need to "move on" after a loss. Unfortunately, that type of advice can sometimes make people hesitant to talk about their loss or make them think they're grieving inappropriately or for too long, or that they're not normal. It can help to remember that the grieving process is very personal and individual — there's no right or wrong way to grieve. We all take our own time to heal.

当一个人由于爱人（或者亲人）死亡，很悲伤的时候，他的家人或者朋友或许会告诉他，他需要“前行”。然而，这种提醒会使人们不愿意谈论他们的感受或者会使他们觉得自己有些不正常或者已经痛苦了太长的时间。要记住这种悲痛是个人的以及独立的，这很重要--没有什么正常不正常，我们都需要时间来治愈。

It's important for grieving people not to drop out of life, though. If you don't like the idea of moving on, maybe the idea of "keeping on" seems like a better fit. Sometimes it helps to remind yourself to just keep on doing the best you can for now. If you feel sad, let yourself have your feelings and try not to run away from your emotions. But also keep on doing things you normally would such as being with friends, caring for your pet, working out, or doing your schoolwork.

对于那些痛苦的人来说，不要轻易放弃生命，即使你不喜欢前行这种观点。或许“前行”似乎是更好的方式。有时候，这会提醒着你现在应该做一些最该做的事。如果你觉得伤心，不要逃避，勇敢面对。同时你也可以做一些平时就会做的事，如何朋友呆在一起，照顾你的宠物，外出工作，或者做一些学校的工作。

Going forward and healing from grief doesn't mean forgetting about the person you lost. Getting back to enjoying your life doesn't mean you no longer miss your loved one. And how long it takes until you start to feel better isn't a measure of how much you loved the person.

前行，治愈伤痛并不是说要你忘记你曾经的失去，享受生活也并不是说不再想念你曾经的爱。你需要花费多少时间才能重新开始生活。花费多少时间才能恢复，并不意味着你爱他（她）到底有多深。

With time, the loving support of family and friends, and your own positive actions, you can find ways to cope with even the deepest loss.

随着时间的流逝，有你的亲人和朋友的支持，做些积极的事，你会找到合适的方式来面对你最深的爱、最深的遗失。

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