译者 无名号
Why Doesn't Anyone Date Anymore?
人们为什么不再约会了？
Posted: 10/7/11 09:06 AM ET
11年10月7日上午 9:06分发表
Fifty years ago parents wrung their hands wondering what to do with their daughter who was 'going steady' with her high school sweetheart. Back then, parents encouraged their daughters to see many boys, correctly believing that this would provide experience with a wide array of relationship styles, promoting better choices of a life mate. Behind that rationale, however, lurked a hopeful belief that seeing many casual suitors would keep their daughters chaste. The practical goal of society's dating strategy was to get Susie to the altar, if not as a virgin then at least not as a mother-to-be.
五十年前，父母们边攥着手边琢磨，在自己女儿和高中男友“关系渐渐稳定”时，做些什么来对付她。那时，父母鼓励女儿和很多男生约会，正确地相信这能为不同风格的交往关系提供些经验，推动选择更合适的终身伴侣。然而，这个理论背后却藏着一个充满希望的信念，和多名随机的适合人士约会能让女儿保持操守。那个年代的约会策略负载的实际目标，会让苏茜步入婚姻殿堂，即使不是处女，至少也不会怀有身孕。
The '60s sexual revolution, and the widespread availability of the birth control pill, changed all that. Now that girls could say 'yes' as well as 'no' to sex without the threat of unintended and often unwanted pregnancies, parents squirmed realizing their little princesses could be experimenting sexually with several boyfriends, none of whom she may marry. The face of dating changed.
60年代的性解放和避孕药的广泛可及性改变了这一切。既然女生不用担心计划外和通常来讲不想要的怀孕危险，她们就能对性行为说“行”，也能说“不行”了，父母们意识到自己的小公主可能会和几个她不嫁的男朋友发生性行为，心里不是个滋味。约会的目的也就变了。
Today, parents are relieved if their daughters hook up with only one partner. In the effort to keep our girls safe, we settle for fidelity if not virginity. Sadly, the double standard still informs our decisions about sex and dating -- boys get a free pass (if not a wink and a nudge) about early sexual activity while girls juggle labels of 'slut' (those who put out) and 'bitch' (those who do not). Saddest perhaps is the trend for very young girls to provide sexual favours (usually oral sex) for multiple boys while receiving little or no sexual pleasure themselves.
今天，如果自己的女儿只和一个伴侣交往，父母们就会觉得宽慰。为努力使女孩们安全，我们勉强认可了忠诚度而不是贞洁。让人难过的是，这个双重标准仍然影响着我们在性和约会方面所做的决定--男生可以自由开展早期的性行为（如果不是使个眼神或轻轻推下），而女生却是要对“荡妇”的标签耍花样（有了性行为的），或对“婊子”这样的标签使花招（没有性行为的）。最为难过的恐怕要数这样一种趋势：年纪轻轻的女生给多名男生带来性快感（通常以口交的方式），而自己却只能享受很少的性快感，甚至一点都享受不到。
Dating seems to have disappeared from our cultural landscape. People now define as single or partnered/married. Rarely do we hear that someone is playing the field or dating several people. The sex-negative message from half a century ago trumpets a different answer to the question of mate acquisition, but it is no less damaging. We hear routinely of new couples assuming sexual exclusivity after they have had sex but before they know much else about each other -- an 'all your eggs in one basket' approach. Not surprisingly, most of those couples emerge some months later disillusioned and believing they will find true love in another lover, not in another system.
约会貌似从我们的文化视野里消失。现在人们分为单身或有伴侣或是已婚。我们很少听到有人三心二意或同时和几个人约会。半个世纪前，反对性行为的讯息在谋求伴侣方面宣扬了一个不同的答案，但它的危害也不少。我们常听说新婚夫妇有过性行为后，觉得不会和其他人发生性行为，但他们在其他方面相互还不怎么了解--这是一种“把蛋放在同一个篮子里”的做法。这类夫妻大多数在几个月之后就会幻想破灭，相信自己会在另外一个爱人身上找到真爱，而不是从另外一个体系里，这并不奇怪。
The opposite of single is married, not dating. Dating and marriage should feel different from each other. Why are we so quick to abandon the freedom of choice dating offers, replacing it instead with lightning-quick courtships and instant sexual exclusivity? Do we still believe that sex is so potent, so dangerous, that we dare not play with it? Haven't we grown beyond the 'kisses are contracts' stage? Have we been so silenced about negotiation and communication that we settle for any relationship that affords us sexual gratification? Moreover, if that is true, how much talking could be going on within that relationship regarding how sex can best be expressed and enjoyed?
单身的反义词是已婚，而不是约会。每个人对约会和结婚的看法都不同。为什么我们这么快就放弃追逐约会的自由，而以闪电般的求婚和急切的排他性行为取而代之？我们仍然相信性行为效力太强、太危险而不敢捉弄它吗？我们难道不是在不相信“亲吻就是合约”的环境中长大的？在认可能给自己带来性满意度的两性关系方面，我们难道不是一直对这类探讨和交流保持着沉默？此外，如果这种情况属实，这种的两性关系中，在性怎么才能最好表达出来也被享受到方面，这类话题到底能被谈论多少呢？
Surely we can do better if we define dating as an enjoyable process in which we learn about potential partners by trying them on for a good fit. We need not limit ourselves to exclusivity with each one to whom we are sexually attracted. We are willing to shop endlessly for a new car or home, yet couple far too quickly once we establish a sexual liaison. Responsible, compassionate sex should be an adjunct to the process of coupling, not the prime reason for doing so.
如果我们把约会当成一种享受，约会过程中我们接触潜在的伴侣，来了解是否合适。我们没有必要把自己锁定在由性而互相吸引的对象上。我们买一辆新车或是一所新住所时，乐于无休止地选购，然而，我们一旦有了性行为，结成伴侣的速度就太快了。负责任的、有共鸣的性行为应当成为伴侣结合过程中的附属物，而不是主要原因。
There is an old saying: "You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet the handsome prince (or princess)." How much happier we would be if we used sex as but one of the many criteria upon which we base our coupling decisions.
俗语道：“碰到英俊的王子（或漂亮的公主）前，人们得先亲吻许多的青蛙。”我们若能把性关系视为选择伴侣的众多条件之一，我们过的会幸福得多吧。
