原谅父母养育缺陷12法

译者 Flora Zhong

Children begin by loving their parents; after a time, they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.” ~ Oscar Wilde

孩子从爱父母开始；一段时间后，他们评判父母；如果有也很少有孩子会谅解父母--奥斯卡 王尔德

Childhood Pain

童年痛

Have you been holding onto childhood pain? Do you harbor deep-seeded resentment for the way your parents raised you? Do you blame them for the circumstances of your life today?

你有过童年痛的经历吗？你是否隐藏了对父母养育你方式根植于心的积怨？因为如今的生活环境你埋怨过他们吗？

Obviously, not everyone has been blessed with a happy home – with patient, loving, attentive parents.

很显然，不是所有的人都拥有一个幸福的家--拥有耐心，慈爱和细心的父母。

If you are one of the oh-so-many who harbor pent-up feelings toward mom or dad and those pent-up feelings affect you today, you are not alone. Nor are you condemned to a life plagued by the energy-sapping, happiness-stunting emotions of deep-seeded anger and resentment.

如果你正巧是这隐藏对父母的压抑情绪并且该情绪还在影响你现在生活众多人群中的一位，那么你其实并不是特例。你再也不会被由于深深根植于心的愤恨而受折磨于能量消耗，幸福感萎缩的生活，并且责难着自己。

It’s time to let go and move on! And not because your parents necessarily deserve it – they may not! At all. But YOU do! You deserve to be free of such emotional poison. It’s time to let it go.

是时候消除这些情绪并前进了。而且并不是由于你父母应受如此--他们也许就不必，完全不必。但是你必须承受它！你必须从这种情绪毒区中解放出来。所以，是时候驱除这股情绪了。

12 Ways to Let Go and Move on

12种驱除愤恨情绪向前进的方法

Following, are specific steps you can take to unpack the baggage of blame and anger and resentment and, perhaps, begin to establish a new kind of relationship with your parents, or at least be able to let the past be buried in the past so that you can begin moving forward untethered to the pull of yesterday.

一下是一些帮助你卸下装满责备和愤恨包袱和或许能帮你与父母建立新关系的具体步骤。或者至少可以让过去葬在过去，助你开始解下旧日的绳索，朝向前方行进了。

1. Redefine Your Relationship

1.重新定义你和父母的关系

Allow people to evolve and change. And remind yourself that parents are people too. Some parents were horrible at parenting but not so bad as friends to their adult children. So be it. Let that be the redefinition of your relationship. Try not to judge the current reality against the context of the past. Instead, try to accept things as they are today.

允许人发展和改变。提醒自己父母也是平常人。一些父母在为人父母的角色里很糟糕，但是如果他们和自己的成年孩子做朋友的话，则反倒没有那么差。所以就建立这样适合的关系，重新定义与父母的关系。尝试不要根据的关系而评判现实状况。相反，尝试着去接受事情今日的状态。

2. Be Grateful for the Blueprint of what NOT to do Raising Your Kids

2.感激可以有机会勾勒“不该在养育我自己孩子时候做什么”的蓝图

We don’t come with owner’s manuals. And yet, we are far more complex than any piece of furniture or computer program we have ever had to put together or install.

我们每个人都没有带着《主人操作手册》来到世上的。然而，我们却比组合一个家具的部件或安装电脑程序要复杂得多。

We are also all-too-familiar with the problems that can arise with do-it-yourself projects. Pieces don’t fit. Installations fail. It’s at those moments we are glad there are trouble-shooting instructions or FAQ pages provided.

我们都十分熟悉“动手自己做”项目带来的一些问题。分散的部分不合适，安装失败。在这种时刻，我们很开心，因为我们还有《问题解决说明书》和常见问题答疑。

Well, guess what! Your parents’ mistakes are now effectively your trouble-shooting guide and FAQ page. “What happens if I scream and shout at my kids?” you might want to know. “Oh yeah, my parents did that to me. I know exactly what happens!”

那么，猜猜看会发生什么？你父母的错误现在正形成你今后问题解决指导和问题答疑手册。“如果我对我的孩子们大吼大叫，会发生什么呢？” 你可能会想知道会发生了什么状况。“喔，是的，我父母对我做过这些，我特别清楚孩子们会有什么反应。”

3. Forgive Them for Being the Only Thing They Knew how to Be

3.原谅父母只知道一件事情该如何做

Impatient, unkind and punitive parents aren’t impatient, unkind and punitive simply because you were unworthy of their patience, kindness or compassion. They were that way because they are impatient, unkind and punitive people. In other words, how you were treated is all about them, not you.

不耐心，不友善和惩罚性的父母都仅仅只是缺乏耐心，不友好和具有惩罚性特质。因为他们觉得你不值得他们的耐心，友善或同情。他们就是如此，没耐心，不友好并且常惩罚人。换句话说，你得到的对待方式是由于他们，而非你的缘故。

So, here’s the point I’m trying to make: All our parenting is done out of the context of who we are and what we know. Each one of us is limited in giving love by the limits to our capacity to love. Your parents were likewise limited. That understanding can lead to compassion which can lead to forgiveness.

所以，在这里我的观点是：在不需要了解我们是谁和我们知道什么的状况下，我们所有的养育过程其实已经完成。因为我们每个人在给予爱是都受限于我们各自爱的能力。你的父母也是如此。这点理解或许可以引得同情并达成对父母的谅解。

4. Recognize They are likely Products of Their own Parents’ Mistakes and Flaws

4.明白你父母也是他们父母错误和缺陷的产物

We reap what we sow. And we also “reap” the traits that our parents “sowed” as they raised us. We are products of both parental successes and mistakes.

我们播种什么就会收获什么。所以，父母在养育我们的时候“播种”了什么，我们也会从中“收获”什么。我们也同样是父母养育经成功和出错的产物。

And while we can always learn and grow, most people seem to live on automatic pilot. So, most of us are something within a stones throw of our parents’ behaviors, attitudes and habits. Likewise, mom and dad are products of their parent’s parenting too. Forgive them of that.

然而我们可以常常学习并获得成长，但大部分人其实却是机械地生活着。所以，我们中的大部分份都带有父母的一些行为，态度和习惯。爸爸妈妈也同样是他们父母养育成果的产物。关于这一点，请原谅他们。

5. Write it Down

5.写下来

Sometimes we bury our feelings where they fester and decay, and then begin to infect other parts of the psyche as well.

有时候，我们在溃烂和腐朽时会掩藏自己的感觉，然后这些伤口又开始传染给灵魂的其他部分。

Sometimes, like the body expelling poisons, the soul also needs to vomit emotional toxins. Doing this on paper helps sort out feelings and make sense of things. There can be a cleansing quality to putting pain to paper too. Be as explicit and detailed as you can. Dump everything onto the page. It may take several days to get it all out. That’s okay; take the time.

有时候，就像身体会驱赶毒物一样，灵魂也需要吐出一些毒素。把它们在纸上写下来可以帮助你整理感情并且搞清楚事情。把痛苦写在纸上也可以达到净化的状态。尽可能清楚而详细地写，把所有的事情倾卸在纸上。也许做完这些需要花几天时间。

When you’re done, read it as a solemn recognition of the past. Then light the thing on fire and burn it. Let its ashes float away on the wind or up the vent. As the smoke lifts, feel the emotional baggage float away with it. Feel it rise with the ashes and smoke and disappear and be gone.

当你写完了之后，读出来，以示对过去认真的承认。然后把包在纸里的事情投入火中，烧了它。让它的灰烬飘散在通风口的风中。随着青烟升起，情感的包袱也随之消散。感觉到的是烦恼与灰烬和烟气一同上升，消失，然后全都不见了。

And then be done with it. I would suggest this be a one-time expulsion of pent-up emotional poison. Doing this repeatedly can have the unhappy effect of amplifying, rather than muting, the past’s continuing influence as you keep swimming in that polluted pool.

然后继续把它做完！我认为这是一个将根植于心的情感毒素一次性清除的行为，重复进行的话只会放大你的不愉快情绪，不同于压抑情绪。这些过去的事情还是会影响你，就像你一直在污水里游泳一样。

6. Learn from Parental Strengths and Weaknesses

6.从养育优势和弱点中学习

Your parents were not just your parents. They, like all of us, are complex beings with a mixed bag of character strengths and flaws. Perhaps you ended up on the receiving end of their flaws. But they are not likely without redeeming qualities as well. See that in them. And commit to learning from both their strengths and weaknesses. And be grateful for the life-lessons learned.

你的父母不仅仅只是你父母的角色，他们，同我们一样，都是同时拥有很多优点和缺陷特质的复杂人类。可能你会成为他们缺点的最终接受端，但是他们并不是一无是处，总会有一些可将其弥补的品质。注意一下他们身上的这些特质，然后学着从他们的优势和劣势中学习，并对这一学到的终身课程心怀感激。

7. Read the Book, A Child Called It, then be Grateful

7.心存感激地读《一个被称作“它”的孩子》这本书

If you’ve read this autobiographical work by Dave Pelzer, you likely know your parents may not have been all that bad after all. Be thankful they at least had something going for them.

如果你读过戴夫 佩尔泽的这部自传作品，你可能会了解到你的父母没准儿也并没有那么糟糕。应该感激他们至少并不一无是处。

This idea is something reminiscent of the principle so powerfully reflected in the Persian proverb: “I wept because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet.” So too, we weep for having flawed parents until we read books like A Child Called It and see that at least ours had some “feet.”

这个想法让人想起了一个有力反映在波斯格言中的一条准则，格言是这样说的：“我哭泣因为我没有鞋子，但直到我遇到一个没有脚的人，我便不哭了。”同样也是如此，我们因为父母带着缺陷而哭泣，直到我们读到《一个被称作“它”的孩子》这本书时，我们突然意识到，我们的父母都有“脚”，他们是正常人。

8. Let the Work You do in Your Own Home be the Salve that Heals the Wounds in Your Heart

8. 让你在家中从事的工作成为安慰和治愈心中伤口的良方

If you grew up without love, smother your children with it. If you grew up with family secrets, don’t have any. If you grew up with harsh criticism and ridicule and impatience, then be sure to compliment, love, and exercise patience with your children.

如果你在一个缺少唉的环境下长大，别让你的孩子再重蹈覆辙。如果你肩负着一个家庭秘密成长，别让你的孩子再去承受。如果你在苛刻的批评，嘲笑和焦躁下成长，请确保一定要称赞，疼爱并且寻来耐心地对待你的孩子。

Let the example of decency and compassion you share with them be the focus of your emotional healing. But be sure not to commit the sin of overcompensation. Your role here is to love, not spoil.

可以和他们分享一些体面的可同情的实例。其重点是进行情感修复。但是千万别犯了过渡补偿的错误，此时，你的角色是疼爱，而非溺爱。

In a sense, you will be parenting yourself with the love and compassion you wish your parents had shown you as you shower it on your own kids, in some way, making amends for what your parents failed to provide.

在某种意义上，你想用一直想从父母那儿得到的养育方式培养自己，就像用这种方式培养你自己的小孩儿一样，在某种程度上讲，这也是对父母曾经未给予的进行补偿。

In other words, parent yourself vicariously through parenting your own children. Extend to them what your parents failed to extend to you and allow the love flowing from you to your children to heal the wounds from the lack of love flowing to you as a child.

换言之，通过养育自己的孩子达到补偿自己的目的。给予他们那些你从未从父母那儿得到的东西，用自己对孩子的爱治愈自身因为孩童时代缺乏关爱而留下的心灵创伤。

9. Take Responsibility for Your Life

9.为你的生活负责

This can be a hard pill to swallow. Still, it’s important to stop blaming your parents for current problems. Did they lay the foundation for the problem? Perhaps. But it’s yours now. That’s the inescapable bottom line of it.

良药苦口，停止因为现状问题责备父母。他们是问题产生的根本吗？也许是，但是现在这些根本原因则要由你承担了。那才是这个问题不可避免的底线。

You make the decision every day to hold on or let go. That’s your decision only. Accept that as fact. Own it completely and release your parents from the responsibility you’ve pinned to their shoulders for too long.

你每天都会做很多决定：坚持或是放弃。这是你的选择。接受现实，完全肩起这份责任吧。将你的父母从被你牵绊良久的责任枷锁中释放出来。

Don’t get me wrong, here. I am not suggesting your past is your fault. I’m saying that your present is the result of choices you have made, as you have allowed your past to influence them.

不要曲解我的意思。这里我不是认为你的过去都是你的错，而是说你的父母是你已做这样的最终结果，就像你一直用过去的经历影响他们一样。

This step is admittedly difficult, but it is empowering and liberating once it’s fully accepted and internalized.

这一步确实很困难，但是一旦它被接受并完全内在化，结果会明朗很多。

I am who I choose to be. I feel what I choose to feel by choosing what thoughts I choose to harbor and how I choose to think about things. I choose to learn ways to change my thinking and interpretations of life or I choose not to. These are all my choices. And they are yours too.

我做我自己。我通过选择已选好的思维和考虑事物的过程感知我能感受到的。我这样学习改变关于生活的思考和解释方式，也或者不这样做。所有这些都是我的选择，也是你们的选择。

Final word on this point: Your parents may be responsible for creating the emotional context. You are responsible for keeping that context alive. So stop feeding it and let it wither on the vine.

关于这点的最后一些话：你的父母也许应该为制造情感内容负责，但你则要把这些内容生动化。所以请停止喂养它，尽快让它覆灭吧。

10. Talk to Them

10.与他们谈心

Not out of rage or to guilt or shame them. Just talk. Be dispassionate. Simply ask them what in the world happened and why. Then listen. Let’s be clear, though, it may make things worse. But then again, it may lead to some kind of resolution.

不要对他们发怒，也不要让他们觉得歉疚，就只是平心静气地谈心。简简单单地问问他们世界上发生了什么，为什么之类的问题。然后仔细聆听。清晰地陈述，尽管这样可能会让事情变糟糕，但是之后重复几次，这便会得到一个结论。

Of course, you know your family dynamics; I don’t. So use good judgment as to whether this would be a viable step, but consider it. Depending on circumstances, a neutral location such as a restaurant might be a preferable place for “the talk.” But try to listen and question without judgment.

当然，你知道你的家庭动力学，而我却不知道。所以用正确的评判来判定此条是否可行。依环境而定，像餐厅这样的中立场所可能是“谈心”的最佳场所。但是请记得不要带着评判的眼光倾听和提问。

Remember, you’re not there to vent. You’re there to learn and understand and seek closure. Venting will put your parents in a defensive posture and will not likely meet your purpose for arranging the talk in the first place.

请记住，你不是到这里来释放感情的，你是来学习，理解并寻求结果的。释放情绪则会让父母展示出防御的姿态，并且可能会达不到起初安排这次谈话的目的。

11. Stop Putting so Much Stock in How You were Raised

11.停止在“你如何被养大”上投入太多

Instead of constantly peeling away the scabs of life to see how things are healing underneath, decide what you want out of life, what traits are required to obtain what you want, and then act. Work at overcoming emotional obstacles and other personal obstructions without worrying so much about where they came from. Just get on with the work of living well.

别为了一看痊愈事物下层究竟而不停地揭起生活的伤疤。确定一下你在生活之外想得到什么，需要什么样的特质来获得你想要的，然后来采取行动。不要担心这些情绪和其他的个人障碍源于何处，去克服他们，你只需要外委生活得更好努力。

The past is the past. Let it die there, and stop unburying the dead and move on. Trying to drag the corpse of yesterday through life will make each moment of today a bit more difficult to manage. So find purpose and passion in life and move forward, looking back only long enough to learn from it.

让过去的过去。就让它安然离去吧，你继续前进，不要惊扰它。总想着图粗旧日生活的尸体只会让今天的生活更加难以驾驭。所以找准生活的目标，满怀热情地前进吧。会看过去只是为了从中学到东西。

12. Assume Good Intent

12.假设良好意图

Assume the best motives behind what very well may have been the worst practices. But assume they did the best they knew how (similar to #3).

假定很棒的结局背后的意图是好的动机自然不是什么好的做法。但是请假定他们可以做得好，他们也知道怎么做。（与第三点类似）

We sometimes have the habit of ascribing pure motives to our own flaws and evil intent to others. Instead, try being as magnanimous about their flaws as we hope others will be about our own. When we assume good motives behind misguided practices and weak wills, it is often easier to overlook and forgive their failures.

一些时候我们都有将单纯动机归咎于自身弱点，而将邪恶的意图归于他人。但是请对父母的缺陷给予宽宏大量，就像我们常希望他人如此对待我们一样。当我们假定在误导实践和软弱意志背后的动机都是好的时候，我们就很容易去忽略和原谅他们的失败。

Afterthoughts

自省

Sometimes out of a sense that justice must be served, or anger at the unfairness of how we were raised, we keep the pain and anger center court, at arm’s length, always in view. It’s time to stop. It’s time to grow. It’s time to forgive and let go and be free!

有些时候我们认为应当被公正对待，这样或许还会对我们被如何养大这个问题觉得生气和不公。请将这份痛苦和气愤保持在中场，视野范围内一臂的距离里。是时候让这些停止了，也该成长了，原谅，放了，你就自由了。

So, what do you think?

你是怎么想的呢？

Have you had success or failure trying to forgive mom or dad? Please share what you’ve learned.

你在试着原谅父母时是成功还是失败了？请与我们分享你从中学到的。

What could be added to this list to help overcome the pull of parental mistakes on your life today?

在这份清单上还可以添些什么来用以克服不被父母错误牵绊着你如今的生活吗？

We would LOVE to hear from you in the comments below!

我们很乐意听到您在下面的评论。