“我们要好好谈谈”这七个字会毁了你的婚姻

标签：婚姻 | 发表时间：2011-08-26 16:29 | 作者：Miss Zhang Summer

出处：http://www.yeeyan.org

原作者：
来源We need to talk the four words that could KILL your marriage | Mail Online
译者Miss Zhang

We need to talk... the four words that could KILL your marriage

It's not good to talk: Experts say it can be more beneficial to communicate in other ways

“谈”是没用的，婚姻专家说：寻找一种更有效的沟通方式才是上策。

'When I rang Simon and told him I wanted to discuss where we were heading, there was a long pause. Abruptly, he said he was on his way to play squash and he’d call me the next day.’

‘有一天，我给Simon打电话，说我想谈谈我们将来怎么办。电话那头是长久的沉默，突然，他说：我要去打壁球，下次再说吧。’

Looking back, Susie, who runs her own importing business, realises it was a turning point — but not the one she was hoping for. She says: ‘We had a row about his attitude and after that he grew distant. I tried to bring it up again when we next saw each other — but he just looked at me blankly and said: “You’ve lost me.”’

Susie是个女强人，自己开公司做进口业务。现在回想起来，那通电话是他们婚姻关系的转折点——但却不是她想要的结果。她说：‘他的态度让我们大吵一架，之后，我们就越走越远了。我试着修复这段感情，但是第二次见面的时候，他面无表情的对我说：“我们分手吧。”’

‘In retrospect, I wish I’d never uttered those words, because it was the beginning of the end.

‘现在想想，我真希望自己没有说出那句话，因为它是我们关系结束的开始。’

‘However well a relationship is going, I always find men get that panicky look in their eyes when you say you want to talk, because they know what’s coming next. They just assume they’ve done something wrong before you’ve even said a word.’

‘我发现不管两人有多恩爱，一旦你说出“要好好谈谈”这几个字的时候，男人的眼神中都会带有一丝恐慌，因为他们不知道接下来会怎么样。你还没开口说话呢，他们就想自己一定是做错了什么才要谈谈的。’

Like so many who have felt lonely within a relationship, Susie had come up against that age-old scenario: a woman, feeling distant from her partner, wants to discuss how she’s feeling.

Susie和大多数女人一样，都觉得自己在这段关系中被冷落，如今，她也碰到了这老掉牙的一幕：一个女人觉得自己和伴侣越来越疏远了，想谈谈自己的感受。

But instead of hearing it as an opportunity to improve their union, her man hears it as a criticism.

但是，男人却不认为那事改善夫妻关系的机会，反而觉得是女人对自己的批评。

A new study by researchers at the university of Missouri has found that most men, rather than being too inhibited to share their feelings, think that endlessly talking about problems is weird, unattractive — and plain unhelpful.

密苏里州立大学的最新的研究表明：大多数男人都宁愿压抑自己的感受也不愿意倾诉，他们觉得没完没了的探讨问题简直太不可思议了，太无聊了，一点作用都没有。

So could it be that talking is not the marital cure-all it’s cracked up to be? After all, despite our obsession with communication and counselling, eight out of ten marriages still fail because couples ‘grow apart’.

所以，是不是可以说谈心不是挽救婚姻的灵丹妙药？尽管我们迷信交流、婚姻辅导，但是十有八九还是会破裂，因为爱人之间觉得有‘隔阂’了。

A best-selling U.S. relationship book How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It by Dr Patricia Love and Steven Stosny turns the long-accepted notion that you have to talk to improve your relationship with your partner on its head.

Patricia Love 博士和 Steven Stosny 合著的介绍夫妻关系的书《沉默也可以挽救婚姻》十分畅销。在标题前他们这样写道：它颠覆了你一直以来认为谈心就可以改善夫妻关系的观点。

When Susie Clements rang her boyfriend and told him: ‘Darling, we need to talk’, she hoped it would be a turning point in their relationship.

当Susie Clements给她男朋友打电话说：‘亲爱的，我们需要要谈一谈’的时候，她希望这会是他们关系的转折点。

Both were saddled with hectic work schedules, so Susie wanted to find ways for them to spend more time together. But instead of opening up the lines of communication, Susie says her suggestion to boyfriend Simon had the opposite effect.

Susie 和她男朋友两个人工作都很忙，她之所以这样做也是希望能多点时间相处。但是，她这句话不但没起到促进交流的目的，反而起了反作用。

‘As a couple, the time we’d spent together over the previous months had been magical,’ says Susie, 52, a striking blonde divorcee from Lincoln.

‘我们刚相处的那几个月好得不可思议’Susie说。她今年52岁了，刚和Lincoln离了婚，金发碧眼，甚是惹眼。

‘But we were both busy people — and I wanted to work out a way where we could have more of those good times.

‘我们俩都是大忙人，我这样做也是希望我们能象从前一样甜蜜’。

Battle of the sexes: 'We need to talk' can lead to arguments as women become frustrated and men get defensive(posed by models)

两性之战：“我们要好好谈谈”只会让你们大吵一架，因为女人会更伤心而男人会更具防御性。（图片为配合文章拍摄）

Dr Love says: ‘How many women can honestly say that the response they’ve had to the words, “I want to talk” is: “I thought you’d never ask.”

Dr. Love 说：‘有几个女人会坦白承认她们说出“我想谈谈”这句话是对方的反应是：“我以为你从来不想呢。”’

‘In reality, most women expect their men to get distracted, fidgety, defensive, irritated, or roll their eyes. It all ends up worse than when it started.’

事实上，男人听到这句话都变得心烦意乱，警惕性高，有的还会白你几眼。结果说了比没说更糟糕。

The reason talking doesn’t help is down to basic biological differences between men and women, says Dr Love. Because of their roles within the pack, the genders are hard-wired differently to cope with stress and intimacy.

‘为什么谈了没用呢？因为说到底男人和女人从生物学角度来看是不同的。’Love博士说。因为男人和女人在婚姻关系中扮演不同角色。性别的不同导致了他们对待压力和亲密关系的态度也不同。

Dating back to pre-history, a woman’s more vulnerable role as childbearer meant she had to depend on the support of the group for security and survival. And thousands of years on, women still deal with fear by sharing their worries.

早在史前时期，女性充当的是繁衍后代的角色，因此她们更脆弱，需要依靠团体的保护才能生存下去。虽然几千年过去了，但是女性仍然通过分担忧虑的方法来对付恐惧。

Men, however, are hard-wired to see their roles as defenders, says Dr Love. ‘Males know females choose them for their ability to protect and provide, so a man rates himself on how well he fulfils that role and how happy his partner is.

但是，男性一直与保护者的形象联系在一起，Love博士说。‘男性很清楚女性之所以选择他们是因为他们有能力保护女性，能给她们想要的东西，所以男性是以他能否胜任这个角色，能否让自己的爱人幸福的标准来评价自己的。’

‘When a woman suggests there’s a problem with the relationship, he feels he’s not providing well enough.

‘一旦女人说他们的婚姻关系有问题时，男人会觉得是自己没能满足她们。’

‘It makes him feel ashamed, so he withdraws emotionally.’

‘这会让男人觉得很丢脸，所以才会选择逃避。’

Research has found that even the way males and females respond physically to emotional stress is different, says Dr Love.

Love 博士说：研究还发现男人和女人在应对情感压力时，身体反应也是不同的。

‘Talking about feelings is soothing to women. But it makes men physically uncomfortable. Their bodies flood with the stress hormone cortisol. There’s more blood flow to muscles. They get edgy, so that women think they’re not listening.’

‘倾诉自己的内心感受能让女性觉得很舒服，但是男人却会觉得很不舒服。男人体内存在应激激素皮质醇，他们需要把更多的血液供给到肌肉，因此男人更容易发怒，但这在女人看来他们是不愿意倾听的表现。’

The theory is borne out in studies that show women and men respond differently to stress from the moment they are born.

这个理论在对新生儿的压力反应研究中得到了证实。

‘When a baby girl hears a loud noise or gets anxious, she wants to make eye contact with someone,’ says Dr Love. ‘But a baby boy will react to the same sound by looking around, a fight-or-flight response.’

‘当女婴听到噪音或是感到焦虑时，她们希望能跟人进行眼神交流，’Love博士说，‘但是男婴听到噪音却会四处张望，表现出一幅打或者逃的反应。’

It’s easy for couples to slip into negative patterns because their different vulnerabilities are almost invisible — and the miscommunications run so deep.

夫妻往往很容易陷入感情危机，因为他们看不到两性的弱点，这样一来误解也就更深了。

The key to satisfaction, says Dr Love, is to find ways to connect without words: ‘Everyone needs to learn that before we can communicate by speaking, we need to connect non-verbally through touch, sex, and doing things together, which is when the deepest moments of intimacy occur.’

要让双方都满意就要试着寻找语言之外的沟通方法，Love 博士说：‘你们要明白，我们在学会用语言进行交流之前，我们就已经知道怎么通过非言语的方式交流，例如，抚摸，做爱或共事，这都是让我们感到最亲密的时刻。’

Despite the fact many women believe men are only interested in touching during sex, Dr Love says every man she has ever counselled privately admits he would like to be caressed more at other times too.

有很多女性认为男人只喜欢在做爱的时候被爱抚，但是Love博士说，来咨询她的男士私底下都承认他们更喜欢在其他时候接受爱抚。

It means the best way to improve intimacy is to simply touch your man more.

这就是说，改善亲密关系最好的方法就是多抚摸你的丈夫。

Dr Love recommends giving your partner a full-body hug six times a day — and for at least six seconds each time — which is how long it takes for the calming, feel-good hormone serotonin to kick in. ‘It may sound a lot, but the six-times-six formula brings a new level of closeness,’ Dr Love says.

Love博士建议，每天给自己的爱人6次全身拥抱，每次拥抱不少于6秒钟，这样就能刺激血清素的分泌。血清素能使人平静并感到愉悦。‘每天拥抱6次听起来有点多，但就是这6-6法则能提升你们之间的亲密度’。

‘The hugs may start out feeling forced, but they soon become genuine.’

‘刚开始你可能觉得拥抱是被迫的，但很快就会成为发自内心的行为。’

Sex also makes couples more willing to forgive — without words. ‘Oxytocin, the hormone that triggers orgasm, is like a miracle drug that makes you move closer.

做爱也能让伴侣相互原谅——这是一种无声的表达。‘催产素能引发性高潮，它好比一种神秘的药物能让你们更亲密。’

‘After sex, it also has an amnesiac effect that lasts for four to six hours afterwards and enables you to forget the bad stuff — like how he forgot to pay the credit card bill.’

‘做爱之后会人出现记忆缺失，这大概持续4-6个小时，它能让你忘掉不愉快的事，比如说: 他怎么可以忘了去还信用卡！’

Newly-wed Shona Clark, from Grantham, agrees that confronting men over emotional issues doesn’t work.

Shona Clark是格兰瑟人，她刚结婚，她也承认跟男人就感情问题过不去是没有用地。

She met her funeral director husband Andy, 37, on relationship site eHarmony.co.uk and they married last October.

她在eHarmony.co.uk交友网上认识了自己的丈夫Andy, 他今年37岁，是葬礼承办人，去年10月他们结婚了。

But she found that pinning Andy down for ‘big chats’ was counterproductive. ‘Between us, we have five children,’ she says. ‘So at times the communication was not great. But I recognized that when I said, “We need to talk” Andy’s immediate reaction was to think “Oh goodness, what have I done now?”

她发现要硬是要Andy谈一谈只会起反作用。‘我们没认识之前各自都有孩子’她说，‘所以有时候沟通起来没什么用。’我发现每次只要我说“我们要好好谈谈”Andy立马就会想：“天啊！我又做错了什么？”

‘Now, instead of startling Andy, if I need to bring something up, I get to the point immediately. It takes work as I don’t think it’s something that comes naturally to women.’

‘为了不吓到Andy，现在如果我想说什么我就会直截了当的说出来。这不是女性处事的方法做起来还是有点难。’

Phillip Hodson, of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, says that while brain scans indicate that the genders process emotions differently, it’s not reasonable to expect women to tip-toe around their men if there’s a problem.

Phillip Hodson是英国心里咨询及精神疗法委员会的成员，他说，脑部扫描发现两性在处理情感上是有差异的，所以碰到了问题要女性规避是不现实的。

‘Men are adults, too. If they commit a crime, they need to deal with it. When a man crosses a line in a relationship, he also needs to be accountable. But on less serious day-to-day issues, it’s true that handing out ultimatums causes resentment,’ he says.

‘男人也是成年人，如果他们犯了法，要接受处罚，如果他们对爱人不忠，要自己的行为负责任。但是生活中为了鸡毛蒜皮的小事就没有必要摆出一副最后通牒的样子，这样只会让对方更恨你。’

Rather than being a one-sided manifesto that lets men off the hook, Dr Love says her book is a plea for both genders to respect one another’s insecurities.

Love博士说她的书并不只是教男人如何摆脱困境的，它也教导我们怎样尊重对方的不安全感。

‘What men don’t understand about women is how much pain they experience when they feel neglected.

‘男人不了解一个女人被忽视内心是多么的痛苦。’

‘What women don’t understand about men is that the slightest indication that their mate is unhappy is humiliating.’

‘女人不了自己流露出的些许不满在男人看来是对他的羞辱。’

If you build your relationship on what you do, not what you say, Dr Love says the man in your life will feel more in tune with you, less threatened and there will be fewer issues to sort out.

如果你们的关系是建立在行动而非言语上，你身边的男人就会和你更合拍，更有安全感，你们之间也就没有那么多需要解决的问题。